Zimbabwe Goblin Attacks

In the comments on the Colorado leprechaun incident reader Giania brought this article to my attention. It seems that rural Zimbabwe has been hit by a rash of goblin attacks!

Villagers said the goblins attacks came at a time when nurses were busy with a malaria programme aimed at reducing malaria related deaths, which are prevalent in the area.

Villager Edmore Mukapa of Kadziro area said, "we were not expecting goblins to attack nurses who are trying hard to reduce malaria outbreak here. It’s unfortunate for us."

A teacher at Makande primary school said school children were also causalities of attacks daily.

This seems to be a valid question - why would goblins bother attacking nurses working to reduce malaria? Is it because there's some connection between the two? Maybe the goblin eat mosquitoes and don't want their numbers reduced or something. The villagers seem to believe that the attacks are part of some sort of complicated extortion scam.

"Attacking nurses with goblins leave us vulnerable. Goblins owners do not accept payments to their demands. You can not force them to accept the payments because of the Witch-craft Suppression Act. It’s a complicated issue," said a teacher who refused to be named for fear of victimisation.

Currently the Witchcraft Suppression Act makes it criminal to label anyone a witch or wizard.

What the article fails to mention is anything about the demands of the "goblin owners." Apparently they don't want money if they aren't accepting payments, or they want more than the villagers are willing to offer. Whatever their demands are, Chief Musampakara has reportedly hired his own magicians (tsikumatandas) to drive out the goblins.

Villagers hailed the move to hire tsikamutandas to "clean up witchcraft" although Chief Musampakaruma was not available for comment.

Nyaminyami council chief executive officer Isaac Mackenzie confirmed that traditional leaders hired tsikamutandas following complaints by victims of the attacks.

Although tsikamutandas are accused of sowing divisions among families and villagers, in Makande rural their presence is a reprieve.

"The attacks on nurses was unwarranted. Nurses are the last line of duty to combat malaria which is common here. Traditional leaders believe hiring of tsikamutandas will clean the area." said Mackenzie.

Maybe this is the scam right here. If a tsikamutanda happens to own some goblins, he can set them loose and then offer to come in for a fee and exorcise them. It's kind of like the protection rackets run by organized crime, but using obnoxious fortean creatures rather than big guys with baseball bats.

Let me suggest a better business model - sell the goblins! Can they be shipped overseas? I know that I'd be interested in ordering some and I'll bet I could find plenty of other magicians who would love to assemble their own infernal legions of the night. Since Zimbabwe's economy is such a train wreck at this point I know that American currency is especially valuable, probably much more so than anything that could be extorted from a village clinic.