Satan in the Vatican

The Devil can be mighty elusive. He can shapeshift, vanish at will, and then suddenly appear just about anywhere to tempt us into sin. Or at least that's what the Roman Catholic Church teaches us about Lucifer and his demonic minions. But last week Rome's chief exorcist announced that in light of the latest wave of sexual abuse scandals in Europe the Devil has been located - he's living in the Vatican!

Child sex scandals rocking the Catholic Church are proof of the Devil living in the Vatican, the Pope's chief exorcist claims.

Father Gabriel Amorth, 84, who has carried out more than 70,000 exorcisms in 50 years, said that Pope Benedict "fully agreed" with him in "casting out evil".

"The Devil lives in the Vatican. Naturally it's difficult to find proof but the true consequences are visible.

"We have cardinals who don't believe in Christ, bishops connected with demons.

"Then we have these stories of paedophilia. You can see the rot when we speak of Satan's smoke in the holy rooms of the Vatican."

So far no word has yet emerged as to whether or not Satan has his own furnished apartments in Vatican City.

As far as Amorth's other statements go, I'm left wondering how anyone who didn't believe in Christ could possibly become a Cardinal. Over the many years of service that anyone would have to put it as a priest before being elevated to that position shouldn't somebody in authority have noticed? But as far as bishops connected with demons go, it is generally known in the occult community that Vatican library has quite a nice collection of grimoires seized over the centuries. Could some of those volumes of forbidden lore have been dusted off and put to use by unscrupulous members of the clergy? Now that would be a revelation!

Amorth went on to bash the Harry Potter books, claiming that they hid "the signature of the king of the darkness."

Jesus, meanwhile, could not be reached for comment, but some sources claim that he's been seen hanging out on this guy's frying pan. It's a strange world.