No Rapture for You

Since the United States attacked Iran at the end of February, I have been seeing statements like the ones in this article floating around the Internet about how Evangelical Christians believe that the war is part of a divine plan that involves the End Times, the Rapture, and the return of Jesus. Citing references to the Book of Revelation regarding Persia and the lands of "Gog and Magog," they assert that the attack is a key event that will lead up to the "Battle of Armageddon" and bring back their savior.

This is not a new story. Back in 2003 when the United States attacked Iraq many similar sentiments showed up online. The fall of Babylon - modern day Baghdad, Iraq's capitol - is referenced in the Book of Revelation, and Christians found it reasonable to think that the text might refer to the country's military defeat. Iraq was defeated on the battlefield, but we all know that no magical Rapture followed. Clearly the war was just a war.

Understanding why this is should not be that complicated, but in the minds of Rapture believers it nonetheless is. Their entire theological model is based on the works of John Nelson Darby's system of dispensationalism, which was formulated in the 1830's. As such, it is an entirely modern system of Biblical interpretation that would not be recognized by Christians of even 300 years ago. And yet, today it is a foundational teaching of many Evangelical churches.

In an odd magick-related aside, Darby's church, the Plymouth Brethren, also produced Aleister Crowley. Crowley grew up in a Plymouth Brethren congregation where his father was a preacher. He was very familiar with Darby's work and you can see bits and pieces of it in Thelema. Thelema includes its own re-interpretation of the Book of Revelation and the concept of Thelemic Aeonics shares some similarities with Darby's idea of dispensations - periods of time corresponding to specific spiritual formulas by which divinity operates in the world.

The problem with Darby's ideas are simple - they have never worked. Every time you see an apocalypse prediction in the media it's some new pastor reworking Darby's numbers and timelines, or sometimes those of William Miller - who based his calculations on Darby's work. Every single one of them has always turned out to be false. A good experimental scientist would just look at the data and conclude that no, the "apocalypse timeline" is nonsense. Maybe it's time we just gave it up, or maybe Thelema was right all along and Revelation refers to the turning of the Aeon back in 1904.

The Rapture itself is another piece of weirdness that comes from the early 1800's. It is based on a scriptural line from Paul that is translated to read when Jesus returns, Christians will "rise up to meet him in the air." In Greek, air and spirit are the same word, pneuma, just like ruach in Hebrew. Don't you think it makes more sense with Paul saying Christians will rise up to meet Jesus in the spirit? Or that it's metaphorical, referring to hands raised in the air in praise?

But no, we aren't going to get a reasonable interpretation here. We're going to get these folks theorizing that God will levitate the good Christians into the sky, with all the weird questions that entails. Will people in cars or houses be crushed against roofs or ceilings? Will pets be abandoned to die when their owners float away? Do Raptured Christians reach orbital velocity? Or do they need to reach escape velocity to make it into Heaven?

Yes, I find the whole thing incredibly silly. I also am a firm advocate of religious freedom, so I'm perfectly fine with them believing what they want. I'm sure they don't think much of my beliefs either. But where I draw the line is when religious beliefs start hurting people. So as I see it, Christians out there thinking that their beliefs justify killing helpless Iranians for their faith are fair game. Hence the mockery.

My prophetic prediction is that no Rapture will occur, no Tribulation will occur, and no return of Jesus will occur as a result of this war. When I'm right, I'll expect to be regarded as a true prophet, just like I should have been every other time that I predicted a Rapture date would not pan out. I've done that multiple times now, for multiple dates proposed by multiple pastors, and I've always been right. That makes me more accurate than any Christian End Times prophet in all of history.