"High Elf" Sentenced

Remember Konrad Bass, elvish warrior of Portland and bane of German luxury sedans? He was sentenced last week for attacking a BMW with a sword about a year ago, damaging but failing to slay the vehicle before being taken into custody by police. Bass' case highlights the dangers of allowing elves to run rampant in our modern-day cities. The age of dragons and heroes passed away long ago, but elves never forget - especially those who are both mentally ill and high on hallucinogenic drugs.

In closing arguments, Marrero, the prosecutor, said Bass was trying to blame his mental illness for his behavior. Marrero told jurors that if they believed that Bass' actions were caused by a combination of drugs and mental illness, they must find him guilty.

"It was his decision to ingest all of these drugs for his own enjoyment," Marrero said. "He's hoping you'll just let him off the hook, that you'll find him 'not guilty' or 'guilty except for insanity.'"

When the attorneys finished presenting their cases, Bass' fate rested in the jury's hands. Jurors had to consider various arguments, such as whether Bass voluntarily took the party drugs knowing they could lead to trouble, and whether the drugs were largely responsible for his sword-wielding attack.

Jurors deliberated for about an hour before finding Bass guilty of first-degree criminal mischief, a felony, and second-degree disorderly conduct, a misdemeanor. The verdict was unanimous.

Bass was sentenced to a year and a half of probation, along with mental illness and chemical dependency treatment. He was also banned from possessing weapons, including swords, spears, and magical staves that call fire from the sky. That should put a dent in his BMW-slaying activities for the duration of his sentence. After that, who knows? Perhaps he will decide his quest is complete and pass on to the realms of the west.