Wednesday, May 21, 2014

When Elves Attack

Elves are clearly a menace. They live for thousands of years and have incredible magical powers. Not only that, they're unbelievably effective in combat as well. In the second Hellboy film a single elf nearly defeats a demon several times his size and strength, and in the latest Hobbit movie a handful of them leap and bound their way down a river, slaying orcs left and right as they go and racking up an immense body count. Granted, they're fairly inept when it comes to capturing escaped dwarves, but I still would never want to face one in a dark alley. Or, for that matter, in traffic.

The last thing the woman from Northeast Portland probably expected when she got up Tuesday morning was that she would be attacked by a sword-wielding elf.

But that's what happened around 7 a.m. as she drove her red BMW by the intersection of Southeast 7th and Morrison.A man dressed in chain-mail with a helmet, shield and carrying a sword and staff ran into traffic and started attacking her car.

She called 911, reporting that "a pirate" was attacking her car. When police got there, they detained Konrad Bass of Glendale, Oregon. Bass told officers that he wasn't a pirate but a "high-elf engaged in battle with the evil Morgoth."

I suppose confusing a BMW with a Ringwraith steed could be an honest mistake. As we all know it's the ultimate driving machine, and a Ringwraith would cruise around in no less. Still, said elf must be pretty lacking in the smarts department to simply charge in and start hacking away. One thrust with a Morgul-blade and the battle would have been over, and let's face it, chain mail is primarily designed to stop slashing attacks. Hopefully now the Portland Police can call upon their vast resources and connections to aid in the battle against the evil Morgoth. Either that, or get this elf the psychiatric care and/or drug rehab that he clearly desperately needs.

UPDATE: Vocativ now has an exclusive interview up with the elf, who is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation. He claims to be a simple live-action role-player, but of course that's precisely what a real out-of-control elf would say in order to allay suspicion.

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1 comment:

ethnobotanywallum said...

Beautiful post.

'He claims to be a simple live-action role-player, but of course that's precisely what a real out-of-control elf would say in order to allay suspicion.' ....love it :)