Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Cue The Theme From Highlander

For the six or so people who may have been wondering whether or not the rumors are true, Jonathon "The Impaler" Sharkey is out of jail and running for President in 2012!

Sharkey has been a perennial political candidate for much of the last decade, running for President in 2004 and 2008 and also for Governor of my home state of Minnesota in 2006. Previously the founder of the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party, the self-proclaimed Satanist, former professional wrestler and Jeb Bush associate, and reigning King of the Vampyre Nation has filed the necessary paperwork with the FEC to compete in the 2012 Republican Presidential primary. While a number of analysts have pointed out that many Republicans are unsatisfied with the current "top tier" of candidates, Sharkey's third-party runs have never attracted many votes so it's hard to see how he expects to win now.

So far I haven't seen an official website for Sharkey's 2012 campaign. His 2008 blogger site is still up but his 2004 campaign page is apparently no longer available. That's too bad, because the 2004 site was one of the most amusing political web destinations ever. The home page showed a picture of him in full vampire regalia along with the huge tagline "Behold Your Next President." And if that wasn't enough, the page would start playing the theme from Highlander as soon as it loaded, which usually prompted giggles rather than whatever emotion Sharkey was trying for. He had more special theme music for all of his subpages, adding to the site's over-the-top ambience that seemed to encapsulate both gothic angst and Renfair douchery.

One thing I will say is that the plan Sharkey outlined on his 2004 campaign website to send out small teams of "death dealers" after terrorists is remarkably similar to the recent Navy Seal mission that resulted in the death of Osama bin Laden. So the strategy apparently gets results even without Sharkey's "death dealer" music or trademark impaling stakes. With so many details of the mission classified I suppose we can't be sure whether or not anyone involved was charged with carrying theme music into battle, but I do know that the Navy Seals and for that matter all the branches of the United States Military take a dim view of impalement.

Sharkey did not compete in last night's Republican Presidential Debate in New Hampshire, so at this point it's hard to get a sense of how he stacks up against the other candidates. But the word "silly" is what immediately comes to mind.

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3 comments:

Morgan Drake Eckstein said...

I wasn't one of the half dozen people who were interested (I never heard of him before today)---but now I am. Hehe. While he sounds like a possible loon, he still looks better than some of the people running for the office.

Ananael Qaa said...

Sharkey's not the only Republican candidate who has declared but essentially has no chance of winning. Another amusing entry on the list is Jimmy McMillan, founder of New York's Rent Is Too Damn High Party. McMillan ran for Governor of New York in 2010 and in that election was the most on-message politician I've ever seen. He concluded every single one of his debate answers with "and the rent is too damn high!" regardless of the question.

Pallas Renatus said...

I couldn't hold it in anymore when I read "Renfair douchery". My roommates are giving me looks for laughing like an idiot.