The Nuclear Option?

I recently came across this article about a paranormal investigation team in New Zealand dealing with a haunted house. So far, pretty routine - at least in the paranormal world. The article discusses details of the haunting and reports of paranormal activity in the house. It also has skeptics weigh in with their take on possible mundane explanation for the activity. But it was a quote from investigator Karen Williams that really caught my attention.

Williams, a practitioner of Wicca and a British Traditional Witch, said spirits often didn't want to move on.

"A ghost is a person who is no longer a corporeal being, they don't have a body anymore, but they're still the same person that they were before. "They have free will. If they're in a place, they might not want to move. You have to be persuasive."

Williams said she would be using the "nuclear option" to remove the spirits. "This is where my Wiccan training comes in. There's a ritual I like to use which is called the lesser banishing ritual of the pentagram, it's a very powerful banishing ritual."

Williams shared some details of the ritual with the Herald. The ceremony would be conducted using the Hebrew language and would call on the "divine light" to help cleanse the house.

Willams' comments about ghosts are generally accurate, but hopefully she was being tongue-in-cheek about the LBRP being the "nuclear option." It's the first and simplest ritual that ceremonial magicians learn. It also doesn't banish a space, even though there are people out there who teach that it does - and with a serious haunting that might be an issue down the line.

Skulls, Bones, Masons, and Meth

Occult crime is one of those things that in real life is pretty underwhelming. Once the Satanic Ritual Abuse scare was debunked in the early 1990's by the FBI, law enforcement officials were forced to admit that very few crimes involved occultism of any sort. But this story from New Zealand at least touches on a few elements that might very well have freaked out American investigators thirty years ago. Today it's mostly just funny.

A Nelson man who stole a human skull and bones from a Masonic lodge said he would return the stolen goods in exchange for meth. Cayden John Minto, 27, pleaded guilty to a charge of burglary and another of blackmail when he appeared in the Nelson District Court on Thursday.

A police summary facts said overnight on December 1, Minto broke into the Southern Star Lodge on Collingwood St. He forced a fire door open, found a key on top of a locked cupboard and used it to access a ceremonial area of the building known as the temple. Once inside, he took a human skull, assorted human bones, cutlery and books, as well as ceremonial knives, robes and marbles. he value of the items was estimated to be between $1000 and $1500.

Almost two weeks later, Minto made contact with a member of a fellow Freemasons Lodge in Nelson via Facebook. He sent messages over several days, claiming he was acting on behalf of someone who had the stolen goods, but was willing to negotiate their safe return. "Tell them be as fast as possible as the person with it will destroy it and dispose of it if he doesn't get 7 gram," one message read.

The demand was passed on to a member of the Southern Star Lodge. It was believed the person was requesting $7000 for the safe return of the items. Police later located the stolen items at Minto's former partner's house in Stoke and they were returned to the lodge. He said that "7 gram" was a reference to seven grams of methamphetamine.

I have to admit, these leaves me wondering if Minto might be a graduate of the "Become a Living God" program run by the online occult scene's resident meth-head slash carpet installer. But that probably isn't even a connection to this crime. My guess is that the security at the Masonic lodge wasn't that good - Masonic buildings tend to be old, after all - and Minto just broke in, stole what he could, and then got in touch with somebody at the lodge from whom he could (incompetently) demand drugs.

Let me tell you, if the Masons really did run the world this sort of thing would never fly. Minto would have been subjected to a dark and secret ritual that would have dragged his soul down to the depths of hell - you know, instead of just being reported to the police like any old thief and arrested.

A Sea Monster in New Zealand?

Google Earth has provided us with views of the world that would have been unthinkable twenty years ago. The combination of sattelite photography and mapping software means that there are now few places that can't be viewed over the Internet. Cryptozoologists have made extensive use of the software in their search for unknown sea creatures, such as the Loch Ness Monster. Recently a strange shadow was captured in the ocean near New Zealand, which some observers believe might be a sea monster.

Engineer Pita Witehira, who first spotted the dark mass using Google Earth, told the Daily Mail that he doesn't think it's a boat because there's no white wake. Other people think it's a floating tree trunk.

It isn't the first cryptozoological sighting in the region. In 2013, witnesses snapped a picture of a strange shape off the coast of Australia's Magnetic Island.

First off, it's not a tree trunk and it's not a whale. If you compare the shadow to objects on the shore it clearly is too large to be either of those. It also doesn't look anything like a boat. Not only is there no wake, but the shape is all wrong as well. A large American or Russian nuclear submarine would be big enough to cast such a shadow if it was running close to the surface, but the problem there is that the shadow would be straight rather than curved at one end.

So all things considered, it's probably just a glitch in the Google Earth software. But if it's not, there's something very weird going on in the ocean off New Zealand.

BREAKING: New Zealand Not Ruled By Lizards!

I really want to know who comes up with some of this stuff. Oh, wait, I do know - David Icke! For years the former television presenter has been promoting a conspiracy theory contending that the world's global elite is not made up of super-rich normal humans, but rather super-rich shape-shifting space alien lizards. Notably, Icke's theory does not predate the television series V, which features lizard-like aliens who disguise themselves as humans in order to take over the Earth. At any rate, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, was recently asked whether or not he was in fact a lizard person. And his response is priceless.

Key, in a congenial manner atypical of shapeshifting reptilian aliens, responded. Said Key:

"To the best of my knowledge, no. I've taken the unusual step of not only seeing a doctor but a vet, and both have confirmed I'm not a reptile … I've never been in a spaceship, never been in outer space, and my tongue's not overly long either."

Auckland resident Shane Warbrooke, who first posed the question via an Official Information Act (OIA) request, said he was happy with (but unsurprised by) the president's response. He did complain, however, that the government "waited the full 20 working days they are allowed before getting back to me."

Because clearly, taking twenty whole days to respond to an individual asking if you are in fact a lizard person represents a massive failure of leadership. Or something. If Icke wants to convince me that the lizard people are really running the show, he's going to need to produce some actual biological evidence to that effect. YouTube videos showing world leaders appearing to move their tongues back and forth don't count. Until I see such evidence, I'll stick with what I know - that the world is run by a connected and wealthy global elite that is 100% human.

The Wrath of Mordor

New Zealand's beautiful terrain played a prominent role in Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings film trilogy. One of the locations that was extensively filmed during the production was Togariro National Park, which includes a volcanic mountain that has been dormant for the last century. Monday night, though, Mount Tongariro erupted, covering much of the park with a thick layer of volcanic debris.

Rocks and pumice erupted from Mount Tongariro on Monday night, closing roads and forcing people to flee while domestic flights across the country were also cancelled. The volcano had been inactive for more than a century before it exploded following weeks of increased seismic activity.

It was more like Lord of the Singe as winds scattered ash up to 100km (60 miles) away on the North Island and volcanologists do not know if it will erupt again. Layers of thick ash blanketed areas surrounding the popular tourist destination but fortunately the eruption did not cause any injuries or serious damage.

Witness Bryn Rodda, told New Zealand National Radio: 'I saw this beautiful, big cloud and I thought: "Gee that looks like a volcanic plume".'Just as I thought that there was a great big orange flash. It was quite impressive.'

Peter Jackson is currently working on his version of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit as a followup to Lord of the Rings, and it should be pointed out that the One Ring appears in that story as well. Maybe somebody managed to sneak it off the set, climb to the top of Mount Tongariro, and drop it in, triggering the eruption. So far there have been no reports of missing magical props, but let's face it - if it happened, it's not like that's something the film crew is going to share.

Auctioning Ghosts for Fun and Profit

Here's an odd story from New Zealand. A woman who was troubled by two ghosts came up with the clever idea of selling them in an online auction - and wound up with a winning bid of over £1300!

They were sold in two glass vials, plugged with stoppers and dipped in holy water, which Woodbury says 'dulls the spirits' energy.'

The two departed souls sold for 2,830 New Zealand dollars (£1,320) in an auction on the Trade Me site.

She said they were the spirits of an old man called Les Graham who lived in the house during the 1920s, and a powerful, disruptive little girl who turned up after a session with a spirit-calling Ouija board. Since an exorcism at the property last July led to their capture, there has been no further spooky activity in the house, she said.

So once you have received the bottles containing the ghosts, what would you do with them?

'To revive the spirit, i have been told that you pour into a little dish and let it evaporate into your house,' the auction description helpfully suggested.

Personally I've always wanted a ghost butler who could bring me drinks from the kitchen and help to clean up around the house, but I would want some serious proof that these ghosts were capable of moving physical objects before I would pay that kind of money, even for two of them.

The winning bidder is believed to be a New Zealand company that manufactures electronic cigarettes. It's unclear exactly why they want some ghosts.

I have a hard time believing that this company could do much with a couple of ghosts without a magician on staff to control them. But I suppose stranger things have happened, and maybe they are just looking for a ghostly janitor or something to clean up around the plant. After all, a ghost wouldn't draw a salary and would be immune to any dangers posed by hazardous materials.

The auction has proved to be an inspiration for a number of other savvy entrepreneurs.

Since the auction attracted media attention, several more ghost-related auctions have sprung up on the site, including one offering 'a once in a lifetime opportunity for one lucky soul to own an EVIL GHOST', and another offering several vials of coloured water that, the seller explains, definitely don't contain ghosts.

I wonder if any of these bidders would pay extra for vials containing demons? That might be a future business opportunity right there.