BREAKING: New Zealand Not Ruled By Lizards!

I really want to know who comes up with some of this stuff. Oh, wait, I do know - David Icke! For years the former television presenter has been promoting a conspiracy theory contending that the world's global elite is not made up of super-rich normal humans, but rather super-rich shape-shifting space alien lizards. Notably, Icke's theory does not predate the television series V, which features lizard-like aliens who disguise themselves as humans in order to take over the Earth. At any rate, the Prime Minister of New Zealand, John Key, was recently asked whether or not he was in fact a lizard person. And his response is priceless.

Key, in a congenial manner atypical of shapeshifting reptilian aliens, responded. Said Key:

"To the best of my knowledge, no. I've taken the unusual step of not only seeing a doctor but a vet, and both have confirmed I'm not a reptile … I've never been in a spaceship, never been in outer space, and my tongue's not overly long either."

Auckland resident Shane Warbrooke, who first posed the question via an Official Information Act (OIA) request, said he was happy with (but unsurprised by) the president's response. He did complain, however, that the government "waited the full 20 working days they are allowed before getting back to me."

Because clearly, taking twenty whole days to respond to an individual asking if you are in fact a lizard person represents a massive failure of leadership. Or something. If Icke wants to convince me that the lizard people are really running the show, he's going to need to produce some actual biological evidence to that effect. YouTube videos showing world leaders appearing to move their tongues back and forth don't count. Until I see such evidence, I'll stick with what I know - that the world is run by a connected and wealthy global elite that is 100% human.