What Were The Masonic Police Up To?

In my comments last week on attempts to revive the "Satanic panic" and other conspiracies, when people go to great lengths to do something their motivations usually make sense. Part of the reason that the Satanism scare of the 1980's and 1990's was so unconvincing is that the allegations would have required everyone involved to be expending a great deal of effort for basically nothing. The practices ascribed to those folks had little to do with real occultism, and a lot to do with made-up nonsense from the Malleus Maleficarum. That is, they were things that competent occultists would never bother with, because there's no evidence that they work or even that they were ever applied by anyone in a coherent manner.

But sometimes the actions of a handful of crazy people can fly in the face of that principle. And as more information comes to light about California's phony "Masonic Police," the more it's starting to look like the people involved might fall into that category. Nothing they did makes any sense - did they really think that they were going to be accepted as a legitimate police agency? And if so, what did they hope to accomplish? They weren't police officers themselves, and it's not even clear what they intended to police. I'd say Masonry based on the group's name, but if that's true why would they bother trying to set themselves up to work with other law enforcement agencies?

While the lore surrounding Freemasonry is deep and full of conspiracy theories, experts say that there have never been any rumors of a police force existing within it. “I can’t imagine there is anything of the sort,” said Steve Bolluck, a professor of history at Worcester Polytechnic Institute in Massachusetts and the author of Revolutionary Brotherhood, a history of early Free Masons in America. “It’s really bizarre. Badges, ID cards, weapons, uniforms…"

Prior to their arrests, none of the three had had run-ins with the law in Los Angeles, other than a drunk driving conviction for Kiel in 2007. In late January, the trio began sending letters to heads of local law enforcement agencies in southern California, announcing that Henry had been elected as Chief of the MFPD. Soon after, Kiel began follow-up calls to those agencies, identifying himself as “chief deputy director” of the department and requesting meetings to offer information on how the agencies could potentially work together.

So I want to know if I'm missing something, or if there really was some sort of endgame these folks were working towards. I suppose it could have something to do with with generating notoriety, as they probably could have guessed something that weird would get a lot of exposure on the Internet. But is that really all it was? Or were they really too dumb and/or deluded to realize that they would outed as fakes the minute they talked to real police agencies? On the one hand, human stupidity is far more powerful than most smart people realize. But on the other, I still feel like something is missing from the story. Maybe those details will emerge when these folks go to trial. At the very least, it will be interesting to hear what they put forth as a defense, and maybe that will fill in what look like holes in the story to any rational, reasonable person.

I'll be following the story as it continues to unfold, and I'll keep you all posted as I find out more.

The Dead Milkmen Versus Roy Moore

While this isn't exactly a big or particularly important news story, I'm posting it because I happen to be a huge Dead Milkmen fan. The band broke up in 1995, reunited in 2008, and is currently touring. Their satirical songs are brilliantly hilarious, and in recent comments made at a show in Alabama they mocked "Ten Commandments Judge" Roy Moore with a very Augoeides-like pronouncement.

The conservative judge was previously removed from the same position for refusing to move a Ten Commandments monument from a government building, and he has recently attempted to dodge federal law ordering the state to allow same-sex marriages to proceed.

“Now Judge Roy Moore, he doesn’t like gays, but he sure does like Ten Commandment displays,” sang frontman Rodney Linderman. “But there’s one thing Judge Roy don’t know: The 11th commandment is, ‘Don’t be an asshole.’”

Well, it's not, but it sure should be. In the ongoing debate between believers and non-believers, and between members of majority and minority religions, this is really the main principle that all sides should follow. There's nothing wrong with questioning religion or questioning atheism, or criticizing aspects of particular beliefs, so long as you refrain from being a dick. That's really all there is to it.

The trouble is that particularly with extreme fundamentalists like Moore, it's pretty difficult to evangelize without being dickish - basically, the point you have to make is that you're right and whoever you're engaging is at best wrong and at worst unspeakably evil. "New Atheists" may come off as jerks a lot of the time, but much of what they're really doing is just turning that tactic on its head to emphasize how annoying it is.

Moore is particularly obnoxious because he's a Poor Oppressed Christian with actual political power - he currently serves as Chief Justice of the Alabama Supreme Court. And like the rest of his Poor Oppressed brethren, he seems to lack the cognitive capacity to distinguish between exercising his own religious rights and preventing others from doing the same. None of his religion's alleged opponents want to prevent him from exercising his faith, they just want equal space to live as they see fit.

As often seems to be the case, the world would be a much better place if everyone, especially fundamentalists of every stripe, could follow a principle even more basic than the Dead Milkmen's eleventh commandment - "Mind your own business!"

Conspiracies for Stupid People

Lately it seems like conspiracies are in the news. From the Masonic Police to Walmart martial law to attempts to revive the "Satanic panic," people all over seem to be losing their shit. And understand, I'm not talking about smart people here. I am aware of the complicated history of the "conspiracy theory" designator, which has often been used to discredit critics of the status quo and shield real covert operations such as the Iran-Contra affair and current NSA surveillance activities. It's just that the conspiracies that many of these folks are pushing are so damn stupid.

Over the last week or so Operation Jade Helm, part of the aforementioned Walmart martial law conspiracy, has been getting all sorts of press. Apparently the idea is that the United States Army plans to invade Texas and confine its citizens to the Walmarts that recently closed without warning. Last I checked, Texas was part of the United States, so an invasion makes absolutely no sense. Likewise, why would the military bother confining a bunch of Texans to closed Walmarts? As representatives of the military have explained, repeatedly and at length, Jade Helm is simply a training exercise that will be taking place in Texas and several other southwestern states.

Now if the military really were planning some big operation, it's true that they probably would insist up to the end that it wasn't what they were really doing. But just because you don't trust the government, that doesn't mean that everything they say is automatically a lie. What a lot of conspiracy enthusiasts miss is that there has to be some sort of goal that the perpetrators of said conspiracies are trying to pursue - and that goal has to make at least a little bit of sense. But just like with "Satanic abuse," there never seems to be any point.

Not That Kind of Science

So Ken Ham of Answers in Genesis is back in the news again. This time around, the young-Earth creationist has announced that he will be applying his patented "observational science" method to dinosaur fossils in order to prove that they are in fact only a few thousand years old. As the saying goes, good luck with that. Ham's a kook, but he never fails to entertain with his combination of sheer ignorance and absolute conviction.

It appears that the Creation Museum’s Ken Ham hopes to use donated bones and his specially patented “observational science” to prove once and for all that dinosaurs were present on the Earth only a few thousand years ago — rather than over 65 million. Together with creation scientist Dr. David Menton, Ham says he soon hopes to publish findings from the study of the bones — hinting that what he thinks they’ll find will be world-changing.

It should be understood that Ken Ham routinely dismisses findings of paleontologists, geologists, and other scientists who look at the evidence on Earth to determine what it must’ve been like before recorded history. In Ham’s worldview, there are two types of science: historical and observational. He considers things in the present to be “observational science,” which can be seen, and when confronted with evidence for anything he categorizes as historical science, retorts, “Were you there?”

I have a question here. Ham's "observational science" is patented? It's clear from his use of the term that it refers to something other than actual science, but is the deal that Ham wants anyone who looks at anything to owe him money? I suppose revenue from that would finally get his ridiculous Noah's Ark theme park built, if anyone was dumb enough to pay him. But it sure sounds like patent trolling to me.

The other thing about Ham that has always cracked me up is that while he claims that an Earth that's a few thousand years old makes more sense in the context of the Bible, his justification is the Ussher Chronology, one of the most convoluted pieces of Biblical scholarship ever. Not only that, he believes that it is the only possible way to read the Biblical chronology. Note the following:

Ussher's specific choice of starting year may have been influenced by the then-widely-held belief that the Earth's potential duration was 6,000 years (4,000 before the birth of Christ and 2,000 after), corresponding to the six days of Creation, on the grounds that "one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day" (2 Peter 3:8).

Except that's absolute nonsense. Nowhere in the Bible is any hint given whatsoever with regard to the duration of the Earth. I've read the whole thing; it's not in there. In fact, the Gospel of Matthew specifically states "but of that day and hour knoweth no man" with respect to the "passing away" of the Earth.

But there I go, using this method that I should patent called "observational reading." You know, the process by which you see shapes on a page or screen and your brain turns them into meaningful letters. I could totally own that! And if I did, I could probably retire tomorrow because the whole Internet would owe me big money.

Call The Masonic Police!

It sounds like something out of a Monty Python skit. An aide to California's Attorney General was arrested along with two other people on suspicion of impersonating police officers. The three were involved in an organization called the "Masonic Fraternal Police Department," which apparently has nothing to do with legitimate police work or regular Masonry.

For whatever reason, these brainiacs thought that it would be a good idea to meet with regular police organizations, who quickly realized that they were basically fantasists. Or LARPers. Or whatever the hell the term is for people who make up a nonsensical origin story and think that because of it they can run around pretending to be cops. It gives the term "secret police" whole new meaning.

On April 29, the Los Angeles County Sheriff’s Department served arrest warrants to three people “on suspicion of impersonating police officers,” a local CBS affiliate reports. Officers arrested Brandon Kiel, David Henry, and Tonette Hayes, all members of the “Masonic Fraternal Police Department.” Kiel is the deputy director of community affairs at California’s Justice Department and an aide to Harris, according to the LA Times. He held the title of chief deputy director with the Masonic Fraternal Police Department.

Police became aware of the rogue police force after the MFPD sent letters to various police departments throughout the state of California to ask for meetings. In late January, the organization sent letters to police chiefs in Southern California asserting its legal authority and announcing changes in its leadership. Officers who met with the group quickly became suspicious after their members failed to answer basic questions about the Masonic police department.

“Detectives conducted a thorough investigation in collaboration with several law enforcement agencies and determined MFPD was not a legitimate police agency,” Los Angeles County Sheriff’s department said. Police obtained badges, identification cards, weapons, uniforms and police-type vehicles after searching the suspects’ homes.

What this sounds like to me is that this is some sort of police-themed fraternal group along the lines of those that were popular over a century ago. I suppose the degrees would be "Officer," "Detective," and "Captain," or something like that. There was no mention of whether or not fake guns or clubs are part of their regalia, but they certainly would fit. And obviously, instead of robes or aprons they wear knockoff police uniforms complete with fake badges.

Which, frankly, is really, really dumb. It also has the distinction of being one of the saddest conspiracies I've ever heard of. It wouldn't necessarily surprise me to find that the "organization" consists of just these three people and a sub-par website with a bunch of password-protected content.

If you happen to be a police-LARPer who might be interested in this group, you're out of luck. There's no information on how to join, though I have hard time seeing why anyone would want to.

I Suppose Everyone Needs a Hobby

Does anybody here remember Brainbeau? No? Well, you're missing out, because Brainbeau was the man with the solution to all the world's problems. I first became aware of him thanks to Ivan Stang's book High Weirdness By Mail, and the link above goes into more detail than the brief overview in that book.

Brainbeau's real name was George E. Lemon. He was a veteran of World War II who pioneered the use of a medium never before employed on a large scale by kooks, the classified ad. After he retired, he essentially took up being Brainbeau as his hobby. He would run inexpensive ads in various publications, and when people wrote to him he would send them more sheets of ads containing snippets of his wisdom.

So Lemon is a good example of somebody who found something worthwhile, or at least extremely amusing, to do during his retirement. Not all of his ideas were ridiculous, either. His concept of the "50/50 split" for businesses is in fact what my friends and I did without knowing it years ago when we set up a company to manage our independent computer consulting gigs. However, the idea that it would end war, inflation, unemployment... let's just say that part of it needed some work.

Unfortunately these days kooks seem to be far less innocuous than Brainbeau. A retired woman in Nebraska recently filed a lawsuit against "all homosexuals," whatever that means in legal parlance. The bizarre petition shows an ignorance of both the law and the Bible, and while I suppose it gives her something to do during her retirement, I and many others would probably have been far happier had she stuck to posting weird classified ads. She even wrote the whole thing out in cursive, which has to be a sign of the apocalypse or something.

Why the "Satanic Panic" Makes No Sense

One of the first things you learn publishing an occult book is how few occultists there really are. I was on a panel at a Pagan conference a number of years ago and got the sense that the people there really thought that occult authors could make big money writing about magick. Here's a spoiler for you - we can't. There aren't enough people buying books on magick to even earn a decent living, let alone make "big money."

Now I will grant that I'm perhaps more jaded on that front than many of the authors out there. I'm a professional software designer and developer, so the only way I could ever top my current income would be to somehow come up with a mega-bestseller. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely and I can pretty much guarantee that if I do somehow manage to write something like that, it won't be a book on magick or occultism.

Occult books, even good ones, usually only manage to sell a few thousand copies. Compared to the population of even the United States that's practically nothing. As far as occult organizations go, the largest one I know of is the one I belong to, Ordo Templi Orientis. It has about four thousand members worldwide, with approximately half in the United States. There simply aren't millions of occultists out there, let alone millions of occultists who specifically identify as Satanists.

In light of this, it's rather amazing to me that people were actually fooled by the "Satanic panic" of the 1980's and early 1990's, presumably because they seriously believed in this imaginary population of occultists out there who were up to no good. If extrapolated, many of the stories told about "Satanic cult activity" would have required something like a third of the population of the towns in which they happened to be members of said cult. And that just isn't realistic.

I now know this from personal experience, because if there really were that many occultists in the world or even the United States I would be selling a lot more books. Likewise, it points out that people today who are worried about "Illuminati activity" or whatnot really have no idea what they're talking about. While it is true that the wealthy have a massively disproportionate influence on modern civilization, for the most part these real "elites" have nothing to do with actual occultism.

Sheldrake Versus Shermer

Here is a fascination set of dialogues that will be going on over the next three months. Biologist Rupert Sheldrake, author of the morphic resonance hypothesis, will be debating skeptic Michael Shermer on the nature of science. Ever since the controversy over a TED talk given by Sheldrake questioning some of the assumptions of modern science, this has been a topic ripe for debate. And Shermer is a good choice as well; unlike a lot of people in the Skeptic community, he has shown himself to be relatively fair-minded in evaluating evidence of paranormal phenomena.

MAY 2015: Materialism in Science

Sheldrake: Science needs to free itself from materialist dogma; indeed, science misunderstands nature by being wedded to purely materialist explanations.

Shermer: Science, properly conceived, is a materialistic enterprise; for science to look beyond materialist explanations is to betray science and engage in superstition.

Believe it or not, I actually side with Shermer on this one, though probably not in the way that he intends. I am not a believer in the supernatural, but rather in the paranormal. The distinction is an important one, and not merely an attempt to dodge the issue by means of semantics. Supernatural means above or outside the natural universe, while paranormal means beyond the realm of everyday experience.

According to the ontological model I follow, the natural universe is defined as the summation of all that exists, including phenomena such as consciousness which are not necessarily amenable to straightforward measurement. I classify the two primary components of all phenomena as matter/energy and information, which maps nicely to both the Platonic and Aristolean philosophical models.

These two schools share the notion that the primary components of existence may be classified as matter and form, with form corresponding to the modern concept of information. Plato proposed that form preceded matter, while Aristotle proposed that matter preceded form. The two schools can be reconciled by proposing that matter/energy and information are locked into a reciprocal relationship with each other, such that either may organically precede depending upon the circumstances.

So what this means is that Sheldrakes morphic field model is essentially based on similarities between information structures rather than conventional physical forces, but as information is part of the physical universe I still classify it as "material."