Thursday, May 19, 2011

CDC Issues Zombie Apocalypse Guide

Do the Centers for Disease Control know something the rest of us don't? With only two days to go before Harold Camping's Rapture, the CDC has posted a guide to surviving a zombie apocalypse. Perhaps there's a clue in the Book of Revelation, in which we are told that when Jesus returns the dead will rise from their graves. Now I realize no theologian has ever predicted that the dead who rise will do so as brain-gobbling rotting monsters, but then the CDC has a pretty substantial research budget that most churches lack.

'There are all kinds of emergencies out there that we can prepare for,' reads the post. 'Take a zombie apocalypse for example. That's right, I said z-o-m-b-i-e a-p-o-c-a-l-y-p-s-e.

'You may laugh now, but when it happens you'll be happy you read this, and hey, maybe you'll even learn a thing or two about how to prepare for a real emergency.'

An 'emergency kit' is the one thing everyone should have in their house, apparently, 'including things like water, food and other supplies to get you through the first couple of days before you can locate a zombie-free refugee camp (or, in the event of a natural disaster, it will buy you some time until you are able to make your way to an evacuation shelter or utility lines are restored)'.

The kit should also be stocked with medications, duct tape, a battery-powered radio, clothes, copies of important documents and first-aid supplies, take note.

Note also that there's no mention of stockpiling gold or survival seeds. And the absence of shotguns, perfect for making the head shots that in the movies are the only way zombies can be killed, is a telling omission. Maybe when the undead are raised by Jesus head shots can't stop them either.

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6 comments:

S.L. Æris said...

"Now I realize no theologian has ever predicted that the dead who rise will do so as brain-gobbling rotting monsters.."

Apparently, you can interpret that book just about any damn way you please...

Rob said...

Shotguns are really a bad weapon to deal with zombies. Anyone who's played a FPS knows that the things are nearly useless except at close range. You're actually better off with a scoped or laser-sighted handgun. And I know I don't want to have to get close to the zombies, especially since an infected bite is a death sentence.

Headshots are pretty stupid too. Take a high powered gun and aim for the chest. The goal isn't to kill the zombies (leave that to the military professionals with the big guns), it's to get out alive. Zombies are slow moving. If one gets too close, shoot it in the chest. That'll knock it down and give you a few minutes to run away.

Be aware though that any kind of gun is going to attract hungry zombie attention, so if you're in an urban environment where there's a danger of being swarmed, swords and axes are a better choice.

Zombieland also got the strategy right. You need to keep moving and not board yourself up in a farmhouse or mall or something. No one's coming to save you. In a zombie apocalypse the government is going to have better things to be doing than saving every unlikely group of strangers that decide to hold out in some backwoods farmhouse. You're going to have to get yourself to safety, but luckily zombies are slow, stupid, and unorganized, so your chances of survival, assuming you don't try to make a fort, are pretty good.

Also remember everyone is going to have the same plan as you, which is going to be every plan ever seen in a movie (there are not enough malls in this nation to hold all of us). Looting gun shops and fleeing the city in a car really isn't an option. You're actually better off staying in the city for a few days so the traffic clears, and if you counting on having any kind of weapon or food supplies, you need to buy or loot them before the zombies appear.

Your best chance of survival though is to get yourself to a military base. They have guns and ammunition, they have people trained to use them, they have food stores, they have their own power, their communication lines have priority, and they're designed to withstand attacks by intelligent fast moving soldiers.

The only thing is you have to take into account where the zombie outbreak started. If it started in or near your city, you're going to want to flee to a military base that's at least about a thousand miles away, because there's a good chance that the military base near you is where the outbreak started, and ground zero is the last place you want to go.

Ananael Qaa said...

@S.L.: Yeah, judging from the last couple of centuries that pretty much appears to be the case. Everybody from the Jehovah's Witnesses to the Manson Family (!) have had a go at it.

@Rob: I see somebody's been studying their zombie survival handbook! That's good advice if anything like this ever really happens. So I'll keep it in mind for Saturday.

Hypnovatos said...

motorcycles... why does no one ever choose motorcycles as a get away vehicle... Get a dual sport and you dont even need roads
good MPG too... im sure Jesus army of undead would be thankful for not polluting the world unnecessarily

Ananael Qaa said...

The only problem with a motorcycle is that if you found yourself in a situation where you had to drive through a whole pack of zombies you run more of a risk of getting bitten or splattered with blood or however the particular form you're dealing with spreads. But you're right that the ability to go off-road and still get decent mileage has its advantages.

Pallas Renatus said...

My university at one point had a zombie-preparedness plan up on the emergency procedures section of our website... I imagine the idea was to get people to incidentally read the neglected hurricane information as they were trying to find it...