Illuminati for Trump

Almost one month ago now, McSweeney's reported on a story that was entirely ignored by the corrupt mainstream media, but which may have dire ramifications for our country. The author, writing under the obvious pseudonym "Jason O. Gilbert," announced to the world that he would be leaving his position with the Illuminati Order and joining the incoming administration of President-Elect Donald Trump.

Ever since I first triggered a worldwide recession in order to profit a select group of industry titans and Connecticut-based financiers, I knew I wanted to work in American government. I’ve manipulated the stock market, housing prices, and several seasons of Top Chef. Now, as the new Head Economic Advisor to the President, it’s time for me to manipulate America.

Now, I know that there will be some concern that I — a monocle-wearing tax evader who owns a mega yacht called the S.S. Poor People Deserve It — will not act with the interests of the lower class at heart. To them, I will say the same thing I said at a 2008 emergency meeting of American bank CEOs worried they’d face jail time for crashing the economy: “Trust me.”

While I can’t promise that all of our proposals will go through — you’d be surprised how tricky it is to repeal child labor laws! — I can promise that I’m going to work just as hard to revitalize the American heartland as I did to establish a secretive country club for kleptocrats located 200 miles beneath the surface of Liechtenstein.

Read the whole thing. Not because you want to, but because you have to. It's that important.

Sure, I know the immediate impulse is to cry "Satire!" and "Fake News!," especially given McSweeney's history of posting almost exclusively satirical pieces. But look at the facts - it's not even remotely difficult to imagine how positions in the new Trump administration could appeal to those whose life's work is to promulgate the forces of darkness.


After all, it doesn't take much exaggeration to see Trump as a Bond villain. He lives in a gold-plated penthouse on top of a skyscraper with his name written on it. That's not a hollowed-out volcano, but it's getting there. He might or might not be in league with Russia. He's also exactly the sort of person who would launch into a monologue, every single time.

"Since you're going to die anyway, Mr. Bond, let me tell you about my great, great plan to take over the world. It's terrific. It's the best, classiest plan anybody's ever tried to implement. You know it is, because I'm, like, a smart person, and my IQ is one of the highest. You're gonna wish you were still alive to see it, it'll be that amazing and really, really fantastic..."

This would then go on for at least another half hour, while Mr. Bond worked his way free and proceeded to escape. No, Trump didn't actually say that, but be honest - you can totally see him doing it. Not only that, he builds golf courses, which is an activity so evil that no Bond villain in history has ever tried to undertake it.

All that's missing is a fluffy white cat for him to diabolically stroke - and you know, most presidents get pets once they move to the White House. Just sayin'!

UPDATE: Nope. Just nope. I'll mock whomever I want, thank you very much, including Donald Trump and the Illuminati. That is, after all, the Augoeides way.