Michigan Idiot Assaults Non-Witch

A Michigan English teacher was recently assaulted by an adult student in an attempt to cleanse her of witchcraft.

This particular student apparently believed that he could kill the teacher by pouring what he said was holy water over her head from a Gatorade bottle, which probably explains right there why he was in need of adult education. I mean, last I checked that only works on vampires - get with the program, dude! He also held a lighter near her because witches are made of wood and readily burn, even after being doused with water. Just ask Sir Bedevere from Monty Python and the Holy Grail!

"The suspect later told us he was trying to kill the witch by pouring holy water over her head," said Ferndale Detective Ken Denmark. "We confiscated two lighters from him and he was committed for psychiatric evaluation."

Why did he think she was a witch? Because she told him she didn't believe in witchcraft, of course!

The suspect, Darin Najor, 20, faces a pretrial hearing Oct. 23 in Ferndale 43rd District Court on a misdemeanor charge of assault and battery. He was arrested and posted bond in the incident on Monday.

...

The English teacher told police she had a discussion with Najor the day before the incident about "The Crucible," an assigned play by the late Arthur Miller set in 1692 that deals with events that led to the Salem witch trials.

Najor asked the teacher if she believed in witchcraft, police said. The teacher told him she did not believe in witchcraft and explained that the events in the play were a metaphor for unjust persecution, police said.

The student's response to this conversation was not encouraging, or for that matter, coherent.

"The suspect threw his homework papers on the floor and declared it was all blasphemy," Denmark said. "The next day he came up behind her chanting what sounded like religious verses while she was working at her desk."

After all, everybody knows that a witch is somebody who doesn't believe in witchcraft! Oh, wait...

The only remaining question is which segment of the stupid demographic this guy falls into. Frozen lake jumper? Tiger petter? Place your vote now!