Government Denies the Existence of Mermaids

So it's settled, folks. The United States Government has just denied the existence of mermaids. Of course, for those of us who were fans of the X-Files, the next question that arises is what the government is trying to cover up. That's the way they work, after all, as explained by UFO enthusiasts everywhere - like how on the day after President Eisenhower signed the deal with the alien visitors to trade all the cow lips they wanted for advanced technology, the media was all over the place denying that any evidence of extraterrestrials had ever been found and blabbering on about swamp gas and weather balloons.

It follows the airing of a programme on the Discovery Channel entitled: Mermaids: The Body Found, which several members of the public confused for a real-life documentary. The Discovery Channel admitted that some viewers mistook the programme for a science education show after it was accused of creating a 'wildly convincing picture of the existence of mermaids'.

To clear up the matter, the NOC decided to publish an article on the Ocean Facts section of its website simply entitled: 'Are mermaids real?' The article continued: 'No evidence of aquatic humanoids has ever been found.

'Why, then, do they occupy the collective unconscious of nearly all seafaring peoples? That’s a question best left to historians, philosophers, and anthropologists.'

I saw another documentary years ago suggesting that mermaid legends originated with desperate sailors trying to get it on with manatees, but honestly I'm not sure that explanation is much more convincing than the existence of "aquatic humanoids." So what's left? Well, stories have come to light over the years about the Navy training dolphins to perform various underwater tasks, but imagine how much more could be done by creatures with hands and human intelligence. Perhaps that's the real reason for the denial - the Navy is building its own underwater fighting force made up of mer-people, and the government is trying to make sure none of America's enemies see them coming.