He IS the Messiah!

Could this be yet another sign of the low-budget apocalypse? According to Philadelphia police, the Messiah has returned. Specifically, he recently launched an attack on a passing car that presumably was being driven by minions of the Beast. The driver struck back, and the Final Battle between good and evil commenced. But the Book of Revelation failed to account for the outcome, with the Savior treated for his injuries and the agents of evil escaping prosecution. The scriptural account also didn't mention anything about the Messiah not wearing pants.

On Sunday around 4 a.m., police spotted a half-naked man who appeared to have been thrown from a black sedan on the 1500 block of South Christopher Columbus Boulevard. Investigators say the 57-year-old man was lying on the ground unconscious as the vehicle fled the scene eastbound on Reed Street. The man was taken to Jefferson Hospital and treated for a cut lip. Investigators eventually tracked down five passengers inside the sedan and took them in for questioning.

After interviewing the passengers, police determined that the man, who they initially believed was the victim, was actually the aggressor. According to investigators, the unidentified man became delusional after taking his new medication while drinking alcohol. The man allegedly ran into the street while naked from the waist down. Police say the man was banging on vehicles passing by while claiming he was the Messiah.

The "Messiah" then struck a 24-year-old man who was inside the black sedan, according to investigators. Police say he then fell to the ground after the 24-year-old opened the car door. The "Messiah" allegedly tried to punch him again but the 24-year-old pushed him to the ground. The "Messiah" then chased after the other passengers inside the sedan as they returned to their vehicle and fled the scene.

So the Dark Lord has risen in Arizona, and the Son of Man has engaged the forces of the evil while pantsless in the streets of Philadelphia. The signs are everywhere - not only is the apocalypse underway, but it looks to be massively anti-climactic. Rather than the entire world being struck by global war, famine, pestilence, and death, the actual events seem to consist of a few delusional losers duking it out in the street. It remains to be seen who will win, and if, after all is said and done, anyone cares.