Not Today, Jesus!

I unfortunately heard about this one after the fact, so I was unable to add to my perfect prophetic record of predicting no Rapture would actually occur. Still, one more false prophet has proved himself false - again!

South African pastor Joshua Mhlakela has announced that the Rapture will happen on October 12 or 13, 2026. “God told me because there’s no other date coming out, 12 to 13 October, which is the true feast of trumpets, which is when I will be meeting my savior face to face in the Rapture,” he said in a YouTube interview. The only issue is that Mhlakela has already gotten this wrong... twice. And people have reportedly made some pretty expensive decisions based on his predictions.

I'm posting this on October 14th, hence the title. Not today, Jesus! And no, it's not because of the time zone or anything like that. South Africa is seven hours ahead of where I'm posting from in Minnesota, so October 13th is over. I suppose there are time zones where it's not, but I'll go ahead and issue my own prophetic dictate that the 15th is going to come with no Rapture to speak of.

His first date was September 23 and 24, 2025, timed to coincide with Rosh Hashanah, also known as the Feast of Trumpets. The prediction spread across TikTok, where some followers reportedly quit their jobs and sold property in preparation. Then September 24 came and went. Everyone was still here, and the people who’d sold their homes and cars had to explain themselves. Mhlakela explained that he’d used the wrong calendar and moved the date to October 7 and 8. That didn’t work out, either.

One TikTok user described the unfortunate academic consequences of believing him. “I didn’t do my exams because I [thought] it doesn’t matter,” they wrote. “Now look at me.” For his latest prediction, Mhlakela claims the Feast of Trumpets was calculated about a month early. He’s also cited a vision involving two full moons. How that explains the previous two failed predictions is anybody’s guess. He’s refused to apologize and still insists God personally gave him the information.

Dude, I don't know how you haven't figured this out yet, but whoever you are talking to isn't God. The information you're getting is making Christianity look downright foolish. To quote the infamous Church Lady, "Could it be... SATAN?!?" I mean, I don't really believe in Satan any more than I believe in The Rapture, but it's still a good line.

As I mentioned in my previous article, I suppose I could give the guy some sad props for trying something different than reworking William Miller's calculations again. That's what everybody else always does. The problem is that whatever method he's using clearly works no better.

Via Solis Libra Elixir Rite - Year Ten

Today's post is the full script for the Libra Elixir Rite that we will be performing tomorrow, Tuesday October 13th, at the Ritual Workshop. We will be starting around 8 PM.

0. The Temple

The ritual space is set up with an altar table in the center. The bell chime, banishing dagger, and invoking wand are placed on the altar. In the center of the altar is placed a cup of wine for creating the elixir, within the Table of Art corresponding to Libra. The sign Libra is attributed to "Works of Justice and Equilibrium." So those sorts of intents are most appropriate, and as this is a general and highly adaptable power, it can be used for many different purposes, from obtaining justice in the external world to balancing your internal magical energies and/or spiritual perceptions. The Via Solis Elixir Rites were written by Michele Montserrat in 2010 for the Comselh Ananael magical working group.

I. Opening

All stand surrounding the altar. Officiant inhales fully, placing the banishing dagger at his or her lips. The air is then expelled as the dagger is swept backwards.

Officiant: Bahlasti! Ompehda!

Officiant then performs the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. All rotate accordingly.

Officiant: We take refuge in Nuit, the blue-lidded daughter of sunset, the naked brilliance of the voluptuous night sky, as we issue the call to the awakened nature of all beings, for every man and every woman is a star.

All: MAKAShANaH

Officiant: We take refuge in Hadit, the secret flame that burns in every heart of man and in the core of every star, as we issue the call to our own awakened natures, arousing the coiled serpent about to spring.

All: ABRAHADABRA

Officiant: We take refuge in Heru-Ra-Ha, who wields the wand of double power, the wand of the force of Coph Nia, but whose left hand is empty for he has crushed an universe and naught remains, as we unite our awakened natures with those of all beings everywhere and everywhen, dissolving all obstacles and healing all suffering.

All: AUMGN

Officiant: For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.

All: All is pure and present are and has always been so, for existence is pure joy; all the sorrows are but as shadows; they pass and done; but there is that which remains. To this realization we commit ourselves – pure and total presence. So mote it be.

RIP Jim Bakker

The crazy has finally left the building. Disgraced televangelist, talk show host, potato soup monger, and all-around evangelical nutbag Jim Bakker passed away this week at the age of 86. Bakker was a "Prosperity Gospel" preacher who perfected the art of raising massive donations in the 1980's. A series of scandals sank his ministry and sent him to prison, and his ministry lost everything. After serving his time he returned to television, but never again reached anywhere near his previous viewership.

Jim Bakker, who along with his first wife Tammy Faye built an evangelical empire around the hugely successful "The PTL Club" TV show, only to lose it all over a sex scandal and financial crimes, has died. He was 86. Bakker died Monday, his second wife, Lori Bakker, said in a statement. His cause of death was not immediately clear.

"He was a pioneer of Christian television, but to me, he was my husband, my best friend, and the man I was honored to walk beside through so many seasons of life and ministry," she said. The pair lived near the Missouri entertainment town of Branson and filmed their TV show "The Jim Bakker Show" there since it launched in 2003. Bakker suffered a stroke in 2020.

But it was another evangelical program that made Jim and his first wife Tammy Faye Bakker cultural icons — so much so that they were often skewered in the 1980s and 1990s by late-night comedians and parodied on "Saturday Night Live." A theatrical movie on their lives, "The Eyes of Tammy Faye," was released in September 2021.

At its peak in the mid-1980s, the Bakkers' ministry included not only the TV show drawing up to 13 million nightly viewers but also the Christian-based Heritage USA theme park and hotel in Fort Mill, South Carolina.

Augoeides has covered some of Bakker's silliest hits from his latest program. In addition to his attempt to build a potato soup empire, he has sounded off on eclipses, neighbors eating babies, making fun of Donald Trump, phony virus treatments, and witches. So many witches. Barack Obama's "witch doctor army." And so much more!

Still Not Occult Crime

As a fan of the True Crime genre, I am very familiar with cases in which false confessions get innocent people convicted. Such cases are practically cliche at this point. They usually are older cases from back when DNA evidence was not as easy to test, which means that testing evidence with today's techniques can yield an accurate result.

Richard Allen was convicted in 2024 of murdering two girls in Indiana. He denied killing them for months, but after being held in solitary confinement and interrogated repeatedly he finally confessed. His defense lawyers claimed that police had managed to convince him he killed the girls and he had "repressed the memory" of it.

Now that should throw up an immediate red flag with my readers. "Repressed memories" are not real unless you happen to be a police officer trained in a method called the Reid Technique. It is used by police departments all over the country, and whether you are innocent or not police can usually extract a confession using it. They often do so by convincing subjects that they committed the crime, but do not remember doing so because of "repression."

Prosecutors said Allen was armed with a gun and forced the girls off the hiking trail. They said he confessed to planning to rape them before a passing van made him change his mind and he killed them. An expert testified an unspent bullet found between the teens’ bodies “had been cycled through” Allen’s handgun.

Defense lawyers at his trial said no witness explicitly identified Allen as the man seen near the trail the afternoon the girls went missing. They also said no fingerprint, DNA or forensic evidence linked Allen to the murder scene. Allen was held in solitary confinement while awaiting trial. He denied killing the girls for months, but his attorneys said mental stress from isolation led to a steep psychological decline. Eventually, his mental state became so bad he convinced himself he killed the girls and confessed several times, his lawyers said.

“Allen lost forty pounds, was unable to care for himself, was tased, his face was black and blue and at times bleeding, and he was poisoned by fecal matter and toilet water,” attorneys Stacy Uliana and Mark Leeman wrote in their brief. Prosecutors said the statements coincided with Allen seeing evidence in the case including the conditions of the teens’ bodies.

“The discovery materials forced Allen to face the horrifying evidence of what he did ... images and events he had been able to ignore and repress over the five years in which his guilt had gone undiscovered,” Indiana Attorney General Todd Rokita wrote in his office’s brief.

So far, so ordinary - at least as murder cases go. I'm not familiar with how you test if a bullet has "cycled through" a gun, so I have no idea how accurate that test is. The stress described by the defense is absolutely the sort of thing that could produce a false confession, so it is possible that this is another case of that. At the same time, there's no way to say for sure. If the bullet can be reliably traced to his gun, it sounds like that should be conclusive.

Now I know you're wondering - what does all this have to do with Augoeides' usual subject matter? I promise, we're just about there - because here's where the story goes weird.

Seb-Hed Ritual for 2026

Today's post is the full script for the Seb-Hed Ritual that we will be performing tomorrow evening, Tuesday September 22nd, for the Autumnal Equinox at the Ritual Workshop. The Seb-Hed is based on a rite of renewal practiced for the pharaohs of ancient Egypt, updated with modern ritual forms and so forth. It invokes the balanced energies of Set and Horus, who in ancient times represented Upper and Lower Egypt.

0. The Temple

The Set altar is in the North, and Horus altar is in the South. The material basis is placed on each altar; red wine or juice for Set, white wine or juice for Horus. A statue of each deity is placed on the corresponding altar. A third larger altar with a chalice is placed between them. The invoking wand and banishing dagger are placed on this central altar.

I. Opening

Officiant performs the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram using the banishing dagger.

Officiant: We take refuge in Nuit, the blue-lidded daughter of sunset, the naked brilliance of the voluptuous night sky, as we issue the call to the awakened nature of all beings, for every man and every woman is a star.

All: MAKASHANAH

Officiant: We take refuge in Set-An, the secret Black Flame that burns in every heart of man and in the core of every star, as we issue the call to our own awakened nature, arousing the coiled serpent about to spring.

All: XEPER (pronounced KEH-fer)

Officiant: We take refuge in Har-Wer, who wields the wand of double power, the wand of the force of Coph Nia, but whose left hand is empty for he has crushed an universe and naught remains, as we unite our awakened natures with those of all beings everywhere and everywhen, dissolving all obstacles and healing all suffering.

All: ABRAHADABRA

Officiant: For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.

All: All is pure and present and has always been so, for existence is pure joy; all the sorrows are but as shadows; they pass and are done; but there is that which remains. To this realization we commit ourselves – pure and total presence.

All: So mote it be.

Officiant performs the Comselh Ananael Lesser Ritual of the Hexagram using the invoking wand, replacing ARARITA with SOTHIS. This is because the rising of the star Sirius (Sothis) preceded the annual flooding of the Nile, which is when the original rite of renewal was performed in ancient Egypt.

Regarding Crystals

I recently came across a silly meme online asking how bad things could be happening in the world when so many people are buying crystals. Crystals are very popular in New Age spirituality and are said to ward off "negative energy" and the like. A lot of New Age practices are based on watered-down ideas from magical lore, and the alleged properties of crystals are no different.

I previously have covered some of this material in the context of talismans, but this basic point bears repeating - crystals do not do anything unless you actively work magick with them. The idea that you can set up a shelf in your house, put a bunch of crystals on it, and expect to be safe from negativity or whatever is essentially a cargo cult take on magick. Crystals, by themselves, are just regular objects.

In magical work, crystals are some of the best objects for anchoring talismans. They have a fascinating property called the piezoelectic effect, which means that (1) when they are compressed, a small amount of electricity is generated and (2) exposure to certain frequencies of electromagnetic radiation will cause them to vibrate. This is why you can build a crystal radio without a power source - the crystal vibrates as it interacts with the radio waves themselves.

This also is probably why you can perceive vibrations in certain crystals. The modern world is literally awash in electromagnetism produced by radio transmissions, electronic devices, and so forth. A crystal that resonates with those frequencies literally vibrates at a low level. This is not necessarily a psychic effect, it can be entirely physical. This further feeds the proposed association between crystals and "vibes" of various sorts.

Christians Evicted from Burning Man

The Reno Gazette Journal reports that a Christian-themed camp was recently evicted from the Burning Man Festival. For those of you unfamiliar with Burning Man, a lot goes on there and it takes a lot for a whole camp to get kicked out. The Christians are now whining that they were evicted because of their faith, but as usual that's just not true. They were evicted for refusing to leave people alone, or as they call it, "sharing the Gospel."

Organizers of the "Shift the Atmosphere" complained on social media that they were targeted over their expressions of faith, which included preaching and on-site baptisms. But witnesses told the Reno Gazette-Journal the group used aggressive tactics on both adults and children to share the gospel of Jesus.

In a statement, Burning Man officials said camp organizers were repeatedly warned to change their behavior. While the group complained online that their eviction violated Burning Man's principle of "radical inclusivity," Burning Man officials said the group violated another core tenet: privacy.

As a private, ticketed event, Burning Man's annual Black Rock City gathering is subject to strict privacy rules set by the organization. Those restrictions, which also apply to the media, include limiting photography and video, typically by requiring prior consent of anyone being filmed.

Longtime Burning Man attendees said they'd never seen an entire camp evicted during the event. Instead, specific attendees are usually removed, or camps not allowed back the next year.

"Burning Man takes participants' right to privacy seriously. Seeking permission and consent before filming or engaging other participants in Black Rock City is a requirement and responsibility for anyone at the event," Burning Man officials said in a Sept. 3 statement. "This camp received multiple warnings and opportunities to correct their behavior, yet continued to violate our policies and were therefore evicted."

As usual, these Poor Oppressed Christians fail to understand that the problem is not their beliefs. If Christianity works for someone as a spiritual system, I think that's great. They should keep doing it. I may be a Thelemite and an occultist, but I have no problem with anyone personally practicing Christianity or any other religion. What they need to get through their heads is that people who don't share those beliefs want to be left alone. Being Christian does not give you the right to harrass people, even if you honestly think you're "saving their souls."

Via Solis Virgo Elixir Rite - Year Ten

Today's post is a full script for the Virgo Elixir Rite that we will be performing tomorrow, Tuesday September 1st, at the Ritual Workshop. We will be starting around 8 PM.

0. The Temple

The ritual space is set up with an altar table in the center. The banishing dagger and invoking wand are placed on the altar. In the center of the altar is placed a cup of wine for creating the elixir, within the Table of Art corresponding to Virgo. The sign Virgo is attributed to the powers of "Invisibility, Parthenogenesis, Initiation." Magical invisibility is more about avoiding being noticed than transparency, parthenogenesis can be used to create artificial spirits such as the servitors made by chaos magicians, and initiation is a general power that can be employed to set in motion just about anything in your magical or mundane life. So those sorts of intents are most appropriate. The Via Solis Elixir Rites were written by Michele Montserrat in 2010 for the Comselh Ananael magical working group.

I. Opening

All stand surrounding the altar. Officiant inhales fully, placing the banishing dagger at his or her lips. The air is then expelled as the dagger is swept backwards.

Officiant: Bahlasti! Ompehda!

Officiant then performs the Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Pentagram. All rotate accordingly.

Officiant: We take refuge in Nuit, the blue-lidded daughter of sunset, the naked brilliance of the voluptuous night sky, as we issue the call to the awakened nature of all beings, for every man and every woman is a star.

All: MAKAShANaH

Officiant: We take refuge in Hadit, the secret flame that burns in every heart of man and in the core of every star, as we issue the call to our own awakened natures, arousing the coiled serpent about to spring.

All: ABRAHADABRA

Officiant: We take refuge in Heru-Ra-Ha, who wields the wand of double power, the wand of the force of Coph Nia, but whose left hand is empty for he has crushed an universe and naught remains, as we unite our awakened natures with those of all beings everywhere and everywhen, dissolving all obstacles and healing all suffering.

All: AUMGN

Officiant: For pure will, unassuaged of purpose, delivered from the lust of result, is every way perfect.

All: All is pure and present are and has always been so, for existence is pure joy; all the sorrows are but as shadows; they pass and done; but there is that which remains. To this realization we commit ourselves – pure and total presence. So mote it be.