Morgan's Secret Chiefs as Masters of the Universe

The phrase "Masters of the Universe" as a term for the cabal of wealthiest Wall Street investment bankers originated in Tom Wolfe's famous novel The Bonfire of the Vanities. A new experiment performed by British news outlet The Observer has now shown that the Secret Chiefs of Morgan's magical order - that is, cats - may be such "Masters of the Universe" in their own right. A British Secret Chief by the name of Orlando has stunned a group of three professional stockbrokers by beating their picks using little more than a toy mouse. Clearly, this Secret Chief is mighty.

The Observer portfolio challenge pitted professionals Justin Urquhart Stewart of wealth managers Seven Investment Management, Paul Kavanagh of stockbrokers Killick & Co, and Schroders fund manager Andy Brough against students from John Warner School in Hoddesdon, Hertfordshire – and Orlando. Each team invested a notional £5,000 in five companies from the FTSE All-Share index at the start of the year. After every three months, they could exchange any stocks, replacing them with others from the index.

By the end of September the professionals had generated £497 of profit compared with £292 managed by Orlando. But an unexpected turnaround in the final quarter has resulted in the cat's portfolio increasing by an average of 4.2% to end the year at £5,542.60, compared with the professionals' £5,176.60. While the professionals used their decades of investment knowledge and traditional stock-picking methods, the cat selected stocks by throwing his favourite toy mouse on a grid of numbers allocated to different companies.

For the first time, we now have empirical proof that these Secret Chiefs possess powers of divination unheard of by mere human beings. Who knows what else their exalted and realized minds might comprehend. Revolutionary magical techniques? Mystical methods that promise enlightenment in a single afternoon? The very destiny of the entire human race and the true meaning of life? See, they can't tell you - it's a secret. Also, even if it were not so, translating such profound revelations from a series of meows would represent a daunting project for even the most advanced initiate.