The Illuminati Respond!

It has now been 33 days since I posted my financial demands to the Illuminati Order. I expected no response, but as I walked out the door this morning I came upon a parchment envelope bearing only my name in italic calligraphy. I opened the envelope and found the following brief letter inside. What I read was profoundly surprising, and now I'm left to wonder if the statements made in the letter are accurate or part of an even more elaborate conspiracy designed to allow them to weasel out of paying me what they rightfully owe. You be the judge.

Dear Mr. Stenwick,

It has come to our attention that you have posted a public demand for payment in exchange for services rendered to our organization over the course of the last twenty years. While we applaud your diligent efforts in support of our objectives, we are unable fulfill your request at this time. Our order has been in serious financial straits for some time and in the wake of the current economic crisis it is unclear whether or not we will survive for more than a few more years as a coherent organization.

In the middle 1990's we invested much of our working capital in WorldCom and Enron in efforts to exert total control over the energy and communications infrastructure of the United States. Such control would have provided a solid framework upon which to unveil the Son of Lucifer at the great turning of the Mayan calendar set to occur a few years from now in 2012. Unfortunately, the ensuing scandals that forced both companies into bankruptcy also depleted most of our speculative capital by the end of 2002.

Much of the rest of our portfolio was invested with Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC, and as of December 2008 we learned that our investments in Madoff's fund were worthless due to the largest investor fraud ever perpetrated by a single individual in the history of the United States. Madoff is now under magical attack by our operatives but so far his defenses appear to be holding. Whether this is because of his own natural magical ability or due to him hiring an outside contractor to cast counter-curses remains to be determined.

We have received a small amount of money over the last few years from the Enron Creditors Recovery Corporation but all of this has been consumed by day to day expenses. Our holdings now include little more than a few shell companies, the trailer park where we have the Son of Lucifer holed up, and four lodge buildings located in undisclosed locations around the country. Indeed, the conspiracy may be on its last legs, ending a tradition that has endured since our founding in 1776 by our eminent Grand Master Adam Weishaupt.

Our last chance is the unveiling of the Son of Lucifer set for 2012, and as you can understand we need all of the resources we can muster over the next few years in order to mount an effective advertising campaign. He is indeed a powerful magical being, but he unfortunately has been forced to work as a plumber to make ends meet since the collapse of Enron and our subsequent loss of income. We fear that few in the United States will accept anyone who will at that point in time have spent the last ten years of his life installing faucets and fixing toilets as their supreme leader.

Understand that although we have no money to give you and no employment to offer you, your efforts will not go unrewarded should we manage to successfully sweep into power. Until then, keep up the good work and know that it is appreciated.

Sincerely,

[Name Redacted]
Primus Illuminatus and Most Eminent Grand Master
Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavaria

So I suppose an appointment to the trailer park plumber-in-chief's cabinet, should he ever manage to take power despite what sound like insurmountable odds, is supposed to make me feel better? That's like giving out a tiny brass plaque instead of a raise to an employee who works sixty hour weeks for six months to get a project off the ground! Sorry Illuminati Overlords, I don't play that game and you're still On Notice!

Oh, I'll keep on writing and blogging about magick because I love doing it - but not for you!