Exorcism Online

Here's the latest innovation in exorcism from Teen Exorcist Squad leader Reverend Bob Larson - exorcism via Skype. Never one to pass up an opportunity to take on a demon in exchange for donations to his ministry, Larson takes advantage of the video chat application to perform exorcisms all over the world without those pesky travel expenses. There's no word yet on whether he performs all of the online exorcisms himself, or if he passes some of them off to members of his squad.

The idea of using Skype came from a Scottsdale reverend Bob Larson who claims that thanks to Skype he can take a crack at demons all over the world. So far he claims to have banished 20,000 demons to his nether regions, unless we heard him wrong. We guess that some of those demons would have been doubling up, as demons sometimes share bodies to avoid paying council tax.

Larson said that exorcism is the process of expelling an evil spirit from an individual who has become somehow invaded and demonised by that being, and sending it back to hell and freeing the person. It is not clear how it would work over Skype. While you don't have to worry about flying beds, it is really tricky to spray holy water in anything's face over the net. Your video can also be disturbed by puke splatter.

Despite the tongue-in-cheek commentary, the article does raise a valid point. Magick performed remotely is always going be less effective than magick performed in person, simply because the link to the target is not as strong. Back in the early days of the Internet a number of chaos magicians tried to do group rituals over chat, and the ones that I followed back then proved pretty ineffective - though I'll grant there may be somebody who figured out how to make it work and then never released their findings. It's also the reason that astral initiations may do something, but not nearly as much as real temple initiations done in the physical presence of officers.

My guess is that Larson is falling back on the classic scripture that in Jesus' name all things are possible, the usual Christian explanation for why they expect poorly constructed spiritual technology to function. There's always the possibility that he has come up with a novel method that will prove effective, but given his history and background I highly doubt it.

Know Your Trade

Half the folks on the blogosphere have been all over this one already, but in the interest of completeness I'm going to chime in on the latest exploits of the Teen Exorcist Squad, who are now heading to the UK for some serious demon-bashing across the pond. On the heels of their recent documentary, the squad is now filming a reality television series covering their efforts to drive Satan and his supposed minions from the world. According to the exorcists, Britain is apparently rife with demonic activity because of J.K. Rowling's Harry Potter books.

"Every single country has a specific kind of demon," says Tess, 18, who loves music and reading. They believe that the UK in particular is a hotbed for "witchcraft", because of the popularity of J K Rowling's Harry Potter books.

"The spells and things that you're reading in the Harry Potter books, those aren't just something that are made up, those are actual spells. Those are things that came from witchcraft books," says Tess.

There's a whole lot to mock in the article, but for once I'm going to play this one completely straight and ask a simple competency question. If your exorcists don't know the difference between fake spells and real ones, what makes you think they know anything about real demon possession, or for that matter how to properly perform an exorcism? If I were interviewing a computer programmer who claimed to have developed software for WOPR (the fictional military computer system from the film Wargames) or Gibson mainframes (from the film Hackers), I would know they were lying their asses off and would never hire them in a million years.

Apparently nobody subjects exorcists to this same level of scrutiny, though they probably should before spending any money on their services.

Teen Exorcist Squad: The Movie!

I suppose it was inevitable. The Teen Exorcist Squad is now the subject of a new documentary film from Vice. The teen exorcists themselves are attractive, telegenic, and engaged in an activity that most people find truly weird, which makes them a perfect subject for a documentary. One wonders how Werner Herzog would treat this material, and if he did, my guess is that his narration alone would be worth the price of admission.

One of the most glaring aspects of the film, noted by Jezebel, is how obsessed with sexuality modern Evangelical Christians are. Apparently any sort of sexual activity, volutary or otherwise, exposes you to the dangers of demonic possession. If that were really true, I imagine that the human race would have died out long before now - because, you know, sexuality is how we reproduce. Furthermore, given the number of sexual acts going on in the world at any one time, if this "risk" were anything other than infinitesimal our entire species would almost certainly be completely infested. The Jezebel article quotes the following from the film:

"Satan can't just go into anybody that he wants to. He has to have a legal right."

You can catch demons from having sex with prostitutes.

You can catch demons from being sexually abused.

Teen exorcists stay away from things like Harry Potter, witchcraft, violence, Twilight (mostly because the storyline is "not attractive at all"), really scary horror movies, and "sexual stuff."

Well, I can't fault them for disliking Twilight. That series is just awful and suggests that there might be something to the Mormon religion, as I can't imagine how a writer as bad and unknown as Stephanie Meyer could have gotten such a huge book contract short of divine intervention. It should also be pointed out that the obsession with sexuality is a lot newer than one might expect. The Puritans of the seventeenth century, for example, are commonly cited as an example of a sexually repressive form of Christianity. However, they were in fact much more open about sexuality than the form of Christianity practiced by the teen exorcists and preached by their spiritual leader, Bob Larson.

The Demon Test

Bob Larson thinks you might have a demon. Seriously. Evangelist Larson first made a name for himself stirring up false accusations of Satanic Ritual Abuse back in the early 1990's and soliciting donations to combat this non-existent threat. More recently Larson assembled the Teen Exorcist Squad and now has an online test you can take to find out if you "have a demon." I went to take the test just for the humor value, but true to Larson's money-grubbing form just taking it costs ten bucks. So forget that.

You would think that this would be less transparently a scam, that the test would be free but then recommend various "services" after concluding you in fact have a demon that Larson's squad can deal with for a nominal or more likely not-so-nominal fee. But I suppose the profit margin is better for his organization if even the test has a price attached. Clearly churches that conduct counseling and exorcisms for free are in the wrong business. According to the web site, here's what you can do if the test finds you to be afflicted.

#1 Consider visiting our Center for Spiritual Freedom in Phoenix, Arizona to spend a full or half day with me personally for an Intervention Intensive. We'll carefully address a wide range of spiritual issues, including anxiety, emotional exhaustion, anger management, rejection and abandonment issues, health challenges, and spiritual oppression.

#2 Attend one of our Spiritual Freedom Seminars in selected cities (our latest schedule is at www.boblarson.org) and arrange for a one-hour Encounter session. We'll help you find direction in life and quickly get to the root of whatever is holding back your health, finances, or relationships.

#3 Receive a referral from one of our DWJD® (Do What Jesus Did) inner healing and deliverance teams, located in more than 100 cities worldwide. They will arrange a time to meet with you and minister to your spiritual needs.

Teen Exorcist Squad!

I missed this story when it came out back in August, but it's just too good to pass up. Evangelist Bob Larson of Spiritual Freedom Churches International runs a school for exorcists, where students are taught to break curses and cast out demons. After discovering that his own 16-year-old daughter Brynne, pictured on the far right, was a gifted exorcist he went on to train four other teenage girls with similar talents, and claims them to be particularly effective at the art of overcoming demonic possession. So I suppose the teen exorcist squad is kind of like what Charlie's Angels would be if Charlie was a total douchebag.

The Vatican’s chief exorcist Father Gabriele Amorth, 85, has revealed that he alone has dealt with 70,000 cases of demonic possession. So if the forces of darkness start getting the upper hand, who should you call? Evangelist Reverend Bob Larson of Spiritual Freedom Churches International - and his remarkable school for exorcists.

‘Think of it more of an exorcist franchise,’ Rev Larson tells MailOnline exclusively. ‘The Church just can’t keep up with demand. But I have 100 teams of trained exorcists working all over the world, and outbreaks of demonic possession are getting out of control. ‘Our phone lines are ringing constantly - we receive up to 1,000 individual requests monthly, and we travel to countries like Africa, Ukraine, England and even Australia.’

But while his teams include exorcists aged up to 70, one group of his protégées are causing waves in the religious community. They are teenage girls. Savannah Scherkenback, 19, and her sister Tess, 16, are Rev Larson’s latest graduates from his school for exorcists. ‘We have found that our female, teenage exorcists are particularly effective at curing the possessed,’ says Rev Larson, whose daughter Brynne is a supernaturally talented exorcist.

So why do I say douchebag, you ask? I've written on exorcism before and believe it to be a legitimate ritual practice, and there's no reason to think that these girls couldn't be genuinely good at it. The trouble is Larson himself.