Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Nigeria Exposed!

I know that lately the sorts of articles I used to post here have fallen by the wayside. It turns out that it takes time and planning to put together the material for the Ritual Night Talks, especially now that I am running the workshops in-person and am also creating and posting the Tuesday night videos. I hope to get back to some content besides the Ritual Night Talks soon, and here's a bit of a preview. Have any of you ever been contacted by the Illuminati? My guess is that many of us have probably seen this particular spam email. It's been around for a long time - I even posted an article on an earlier version of it all the way back in 2014.

While I always have dismissed this as a scam (and it is), I also have idly wondered what happens if you actually reply. Back in 2019, intrepid YouTuber Pleasant Green did just that - he responded to see what would happen and recorded his results in the video embedded above. As it turns out, it's a whole lot less weird than you might expect, and is pretty much a straightforward advance fee scam that can be linked back to - you guessed it - Nigeria. Just like the spam email I mentioned in my 2014 article. The scammer did go to a little more effort than some of the others I've seen debunked, though. In order to make it look like the scammer was in New York, they were using a server farm there located that passed a cursory investigation.

There is of course no "real Illuminati" today. At this point the rumors endure because it's become something of a joke in the music industry. The real Illuminati order was founded by Adam Weishaupt in 1776 in Bavaria as an alternative to Freemasonry, and didn't even last twenty years. Far from being an all-powerful secret society, it quickly folded in the face of repression by the Bavarian government. The modern idea of the Illuminati owes a lot to Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea's Illuminatus! trilogy than to anything historical. While it's true that there are a few very wealthy people who run a lot of things all over the world, most are simply pursuing their own self-interest rather than coordinating on some grand scale.

As I've noted here on Augoeides multiple times, the way to get power in the world is to get vast amounts of money, and people who are that focussed on getting vast amounts of money are not generally going to be occultists. You might find some interest among the super-rich who inherited their wealth, but to be a successful entrepreneur at that level requires a degree of obsession that leaves little time and energy for other interests that are time-consuming and require significant effort. That pretty much rules out super-rich magicians - or at the very least super-rich effective magicians.

Illuminati Heart Attack Gun

Here's another guy who's giving Alex Jones a run for his money in the crazy department. Pastor Paul Begley recently claimed that the heart attack suffered by Donald Trump's economic advisor Larry Kudlow could have been caused by "Illuminati assassins" wielding a "heart attack gun." Because of course, in the real world, seventy-year-old men never have mild heart attacks that require three-day hospital stays. Right?

During a livestream broadcast yesterday, right-wing pastor and rabid conspiracy theorist Paul Begley raised the possibility that “Illuminati assassins” may have targeted White House economic adviser Larry Kudlow with a “heart attack gun.”

Kudlow was hospitalized after suffering a heart attack earlier this week and Begley wants to know if it was somehow related to his criticism of Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau following the G7 summit.

“I want to know,” Begley declared. “Are there Illuminati assassins and would they kill people to continue their agenda? I’m wondering, are there such things as heart attack guns?”

Begley claimed that right-wing publisher Andrew Breitbart mysteriously died of a heart attack the night before he was supposedly going to release a damaging video and wondered if the same forces may now be targeting Kudlow.

Dave Chappelle's Illuminati Clone

Is this guy the coolest Illuminati clone ever, or what?

Scott Adams of Dilbert fame once published a list of all the reasons that "you are dumb." One of those was something to the effect of "reaching bizarre conclusion with no actual evidence," and as an example he gave "My car won't start. I'm certain that the spark plugs have been stolen by rogue clowns." Today's story isn't exactly that, but it's close. It concerns comedian Dave Chappelle, who according to an unnamed "cousin" was murdered and replaced with a clone (a fully-grown, adult one, mind you) by the Illuminati. No, really!

According to his cousin who does not wish to be named, it was not long after the Oprah interview that Dave Chappelle was killed and cloned. The way they did it was by luring him back into the Hollywood executive office, back to the round table of exec types who push the Hollywood agenda, by offering him his show back, with full creative license to Dave. Sounds too good to be true, but Dave fell for it. It was his love for the show that did him in.

His cousin warned him, “don’t do it, it’s a trap.” But Dave wanted to believe. Dave promised his cousin that he would call her right after the meeting with the executives. She never received and still has not received that phone call. She tried calling his cell shortly after the meeting. Someone else picked up, a stranger’s voice, who told her that Dave was not there and hung up. She tried again and the phone became disconnected.

She believes the Illuminati took Dave to an underground base where they sampled his DNA and murdered him. Then through the use of something called organic robotoid cloning, they grew a new Dave in a matter of hours. Now with clones, they are going to look similar but not exact. They had this problem before where family members recognize that the person coming home to them is not their loved one. Oddly enough, Putin’s ex-wife testified about this same thing, a few years back. Since they knew Dave’s wife and kids would not be fooled by the clone Dave, they killed and cloned them as well.

Serious question. It is accepted as a given by Illuminati conspiracy theorists that the Illuminati have access to the technology that the CIA developed under the MK-Ultra program, and the technology works. So tell me why it makes any sense to invest what you would have to invest to develop a means of cloning human beings as adults. Nodody has ever cloned an animal as an adult successfully. Human beings may have been cloned illicitly by groups like the Raelians, even though most experts think they made those claims up, but unlike in comic books any such clone starts out as a baby and has to grow up the normal way.

Actually, It's Totally Frivolous

I honestly am still surprised that I get people asking me from time to time about "The Illuminati." If you haven't already figured it out, there's no such thing. The Illuminati order was founded as a competitor for Masonry in 1776, was basically dead by 1800, and its last gasp was an attempted revival in the late 1800's by Theodor Reuss, who would go on to found Ordo Templi Orientis with Karl Kellner. But Robert Anton Wilson and Robert Shea wrote some novels in the 1970's, so it has to be real, right?

As I've covered here on Augoeides, the Illuminati order has been mocked by Weird Al Yankovic, turned into an advance fee scam by Nigerian confidence artists, and treated as a big joke by the music industry. Most recently, it was turned into Taco Bell commercial. Come on folks, if there really was a sinister, powerful Illuminati order secretly running the world, none of that would ever have seen the light of day. But that's not what musician Charlie Daniels wants you to think. In response to the aforementioned Taco Bell commercial, he issued a warning to the fast food franchise.

“The Devil Went Down to Georgia” musician and noted conservative Daniels took some time out of his evening on Monday to issue a grave warning to the fast-food chain. “Hey Taco Bell The Illuminati is not a frivolous subject,” Daniels cautioned. While Daniels failed to elaborate on his warning — perhaps out of concern for saying too much — the musician was presumably referring to Taco Bell’s recent “Belluminati” campaign, which employs conspiracy-themed language and imagery to reveal the “powerful connection between the dollar and Taco Bell” — namely, a line of menu items available for $1 each.

Taco Bell has not yet responded to TheWrap’s request for comment on Daniels’ words of caution — possibly because they’re awaiting guidance on a response from the Lizard People who control the Pentagon — but Daniels’ doom-signal to the brand drew its own responses on social media.

“Charlie how do you know Taco Bell isn’t a part of the Illuminati, making commercials mocking it to throw you off from the fact that they are a part of it? Explain THAT to me,” asked one observer. “Wait until you see the Bilderberg ad from Arby’s,” another commenter warned the musician. “And the Bohemian Grove ad from Hardee’s,” chimed in another. “Deals with the devil are not a frivolous subject,” cautioned another commenter, referencing Daniels’ trademark song.

In fact, "deals with the Devil" are pretty frivolous too, since they're the sort of things that happen in horror movies but not in real life. While you can make deals with various chthonic entities, there's no point in "selling your soul" because you can't really do that. Usually, spirits just want regular offerings or something similar as part of the deal. Also, there isn't one singular "Devil" who is essentially the god of all things evil. That's just a nonsensical piece of Manichean theology that worked its way into Christianity. There are many chthonic entities out there, and they aren't all "evil demons."

But I digress. It's not that there aren't conspiracies out there, but I'm in agreement with Alan Moore's contention that they all are run by "ham-fisted clowns." There certainly is a caste of wealthy folks out there who network with each other and have disproportionate influence over world events, but for the most part they are not occultists and don't do anything like conduct evil rituals, sacrifice babies, or whatever. It's true that some of them wind up doing a lot of harm, but usually it's totally banal - they just are looking to maximize their profits without any concern for other people.

Anti-Trump Freemason 440 Hz DNA is a Thing

Well no, not really. But it makes a great headline.

I love - and by love, I mean find so utterly ridiculous that it needs to be mocked on Angoeides - how conspiracy theorists are completely ignorant of basic things like physics and biology. I mean, they're also completely ignorant of things like Freemasonry, but that's just par for the course ever since Leo Taxil and that "Palladism" nonsense. And, of course, despite all evidence they continue to believe that Robert Anton Wilson's Illuminati books are works of history rather than fiction.

Recently a conspiracy theorist that I hadn't previously heard of, a guy named Mark Taylor, spun this whopper about Freemasons, the Illuminati, sonic weapons, and Donald Trump. It really is a thing of beauty.

Last week, “firefighter prophet” and right-wing conspiracy theorist Mark Taylor appeared on Sheila Zilinsky’s radio program, where he warned that the Freemasons and the Illuminati are using a Satanic frequency to change people’s DNA in order to make them oppose President Trump.

“I believe what happened on November 8 is the enemy has literally sent out a frequency,” Taylor said, “and it agitated and took control, basically, of those who have their DNA turned over to the enemy. That’s what’s happening. The Illuminati, the Freemasons, all these people, their main goal is to change the DNA of man and they’re doing it through these frequencies.”

Taylor claimed that he is getting “bombarded with emails” from Christians who are being isolated by their friends and families because of their support for Trump and that is “because their DNA is being controlled by the enemy.”

Taylor said that the media is broadcasting its audio at 440 Hz, which has been found to “damage your body organs” and “also changes your DNA, which is the goal of the Freemasons, the Illuminati; they want you part of that Illuminati bloodline.”

So Mark Taylor is truly a master of out-there bullshit. It's not quite child slaves on Mars territory, but it sure is getting there. Apparently Taylor doesn't understand how anyone could hate Donald Trump without being exposed to bizarre science fiction technology, and so he feels the need to manufacture a scenario out of whole cloth that can explain the president's current unpopularity. When really, it's just because many of us think he's doing such a terrible job.

Now let me address every incorrect assertion here, in order:

Illuminati for Trump

Almost one month ago now, McSweeney's reported on a story that was entirely ignored by the corrupt mainstream media, but which may have dire ramifications for our country. The author, writing under the obvious pseudonym "Jason O. Gilbert," announced to the world that he would be leaving his position with the Illuminati Order and joining the incoming administration of President-Elect Donald Trump.

Ever since I first triggered a worldwide recession in order to profit a select group of industry titans and Connecticut-based financiers, I knew I wanted to work in American government. I’ve manipulated the stock market, housing prices, and several seasons of Top Chef. Now, as the new Head Economic Advisor to the President, it’s time for me to manipulate America.

Now, I know that there will be some concern that I — a monocle-wearing tax evader who owns a mega yacht called the S.S. Poor People Deserve It — will not act with the interests of the lower class at heart. To them, I will say the same thing I said at a 2008 emergency meeting of American bank CEOs worried they’d face jail time for crashing the economy: “Trust me.”

While I can’t promise that all of our proposals will go through — you’d be surprised how tricky it is to repeal child labor laws! — I can promise that I’m going to work just as hard to revitalize the American heartland as I did to establish a secretive country club for kleptocrats located 200 miles beneath the surface of Liechtenstein.

Read the whole thing. Not because you want to, but because you have to. It's that important.

Sure, I know the immediate impulse is to cry "Satire!" and "Fake News!," especially given McSweeney's history of posting almost exclusively satirical pieces. But look at the facts - it's not even remotely difficult to imagine how positions in the new Trump administration could appeal to those whose life's work is to promulgate the forces of darkness.

Illumi-NOT

If this is the best the Illuminati have to offer, let's just say they might want to rethink that whole world domination thing. San Diego man Titus Colbert Jr. has appeared in court on multiple occasions on charges of attempting to murder police officers last November. Instead of mounting a legal defense, though, Colbert started shouting about being a member of the Illuminati on his first appearance. Then, during a subsequent appearance, he started singing about it.

The first time Titus Colbert Jr. appeared in a San Diego courtroom after his November arrest he started shouting. “May 1, 1776!” he said — a reference to the founding day of an Enlightenment-era secret society, the Illuminati. He then made references to “a new world order” and Benjamin Franklin.

Colbert, who is accused of toting a handgun and a couple of rifles to a Bankers Hill condo complex, then shooting at police after they were called to the scene, was kicked out of the courtroom after he ignored warnings to keep quiet.

When Colbert returned to court the following week, he again refused to be silent. This time, he sang. “We are the Illuminati, we stand for a new world order!” he repeated in a loud baritone. Again, he was he removed from the room.

All of this made for some interesting moments in the earliest days of Colbert’s case in San Diego Superior Court. He faces a string of felony charges, including four counts of attempted murder on a peace officer, stemming from the Nov. 4 incident. No one was injured.

While I'm happy that no one was injured, from an evil Illuminati standpoint the case is a complete disaster. Not only is this guy an idiot, he's a total failure. Presumably he was supposed to murder those officers to somehow further the mysterious plans that the secret, not-at-all-secret, Illuminati society is attempting to set in motion. Those plans were clearly thwarted by Colbert's arrest, probably largely because he's such a dim bulb.

You know, the sort of bulb that's not illuminated at all.

Illuminati = Boredom

I think I've posted the argument here before that supposed "Illuminati symbols" in broadcast media are more likely to be the result of people who are just bored rather than any sort of sweeping worldwide conspiracy. Now the author of this article may have found the smoking gun - a television graphics designer who started inserting such symbols into graphics and animations out of boredom and frustration with the political leanings of the network bosses.

I started fucking around with the graphics packages when I leveled up from making generic logos to getting more creative projects like designing the holiday animations and elements for a special pre-produced investigative news segment or special war report.

I’d find a way to incorporate something in the graphics, usually small and out of the way—maybe a reference to the Illuminati or Freemasonry—just to fuck with anyone who noticed it. I also liked using symbols created by John Dee, who was a 16th century alchemist and occultist, like the esoteric Monas Hieroglyphica, or just simple, but well-known things like the pentagram or the eye in the pyramid.

If there really were a secret conspiracy, why would they broadcast their symbols in news reports? Secret conspiracies are supposed to be, you know, secret. And let's face it - the people who spot these things aren't usually the sharpest tools in the shed, so I can't imagine how anyone would expect them to go undetected. There's the whole idea that the symbols constitute some sort of mind control technique, except that experimental psychology has completely debunked the notion of anything like that having an effect, and also that clearly they're not doing anything to the conspiracy enthusiasts who notice them.

A bored graphic designer, though? That totally makes sense.

Conspiracies for Stupid People

Lately it seems like conspiracies are in the news. From the Masonic Police to Walmart martial law to attempts to revive the "Satanic panic," people all over seem to be losing their shit. And understand, I'm not talking about smart people here. I am aware of the complicated history of the "conspiracy theory" designator, which has often been used to discredit critics of the status quo and shield real covert operations such as the Iran-Contra affair and current NSA surveillance activities. It's just that the conspiracies that many of these folks are pushing are so damn stupid.

Over the last week or so Operation Jade Helm, part of the aforementioned Walmart martial law conspiracy, has been getting all sorts of press. Apparently the idea is that the United States Army plans to invade Texas and confine its citizens to the Walmarts that recently closed without warning. Last I checked, Texas was part of the United States, so an invasion makes absolutely no sense. Likewise, why would the military bother confining a bunch of Texans to closed Walmarts? As representatives of the military have explained, repeatedly and at length, Jade Helm is simply a training exercise that will be taking place in Texas and several other southwestern states.

Now if the military really were planning some big operation, it's true that they probably would insist up to the end that it wasn't what they were really doing. But just because you don't trust the government, that doesn't mean that everything they say is automatically a lie. What a lot of conspiracy enthusiasts miss is that there has to be some sort of goal that the perpetrators of said conspiracies are trying to pursue - and that goal has to make at least a little bit of sense. But just like with "Satanic abuse," there never seems to be any point.

Why the "Satanic Panic" Makes No Sense

One of the first things you learn publishing an occult book is how few occultists there really are. I was on a panel at a Pagan conference a number of years ago and got the sense that the people there really thought that occult authors could make big money writing about magick. Here's a spoiler for you - we can't. There aren't enough people buying books on magick to even earn a decent living, let alone make "big money."

Now I will grant that I'm perhaps more jaded on that front than many of the authors out there. I'm a professional software designer and developer, so the only way I could ever top my current income would be to somehow come up with a mega-bestseller. It's not impossible, but it's unlikely and I can pretty much guarantee that if I do somehow manage to write something like that, it won't be a book on magick or occultism.

Occult books, even good ones, usually only manage to sell a few thousand copies. Compared to the population of even the United States that's practically nothing. As far as occult organizations go, the largest one I know of is the one I belong to, Ordo Templi Orientis. It has about four thousand members worldwide, with approximately half in the United States. There simply aren't millions of occultists out there, let alone millions of occultists who specifically identify as Satanists.

In light of this, it's rather amazing to me that people were actually fooled by the "Satanic panic" of the 1980's and early 1990's, presumably because they seriously believed in this imaginary population of occultists out there who were up to no good. If extrapolated, many of the stories told about "Satanic cult activity" would have required something like a third of the population of the towns in which they happened to be members of said cult. And that just isn't realistic.

I now know this from personal experience, because if there really were that many occultists in the world or even the United States I would be selling a lot more books. Likewise, it points out that people today who are worried about "Illuminati activity" or whatnot really have no idea what they're talking about. While it is true that the wealthy have a massively disproportionate influence on modern civilization, for the most part these real "elites" have nothing to do with actual occultism.

Fake Illuminati and the Ice Bucket Challenge

I suppose it was inevitable that Illuminati hysteria would strike the latest viral craze, the ice bucket challenge. YouTube videos are now claiming that rather than a publicity stunt to draw attention to the crippling disease ALS, the whole thing is a ploy by the Illuminati to prepare the world for mass human sacrifice. Or at least I think that's what the videos are going on about. Here's what the poster had to say:

“What if I told you that the good gesture sweeping across America called the “Ice Bucket Challenge” is actually a large ‘Ritual Purification Cleansing’ preparing for the Largest Human Sacrifice in History to usher in the Beast System?

What if I told you the latest Fire and Ice Challenges are tied to the Illuminati and New World Order’s bold Agenda of the rise of the Fourth Beast System, the Reign of the Anti-Christ?

What if I told you that depending on how you decided to “cleanse” whether having water dumped on your head or being the dumpee represented turning someone else in or giving yourself up come that time?

What if I told you the Ice Challenge was a hidden Illuminati code inviting ISIS to Ice Us?

What if I told you Obama sitting in the “Iron Throne” back in May in a “photo-shopped” White House tweet was in fact God showing us the hour we are living in according to the book of Daniel and Revelation?"

Frankly, I'd call you an idiot. Because if that load of conspiracy-mongering crap is not some sort of joke, I fear for both your critical thinking skills and your mental stability. It's classic paranoid reasoning that imparts earth-shaking meaning to random coincidences. It's like whoever wrote this picked up a newspaper and saw "ice bucket challenge," "ISIS," and "Obama" on the front page and came up with a creative essay that combined them.

Even if we assume that everything people believe about the (fake) Illuminati is true - that they're masters of mind control and so forth - why would they want to "sacrifice" their minions? Don't they want mind-controlled soldiers for the New World Order? The dodge of "but they're occultists!" doesn't fly here. Dumping a bucket of ice water on your head without any spiritual intent has no magical significance, for sacrifice or otherwise.

The more I write, the more I'm convinced that this is just a parody. At least I hope it is, because even I have a hard time believing that real people could be this dumb.

The Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Nigeria

I suppose it was inevitable. Scammers from Nigeria have discovered the many ridiculous online ramblings about the "evil Illuminati" and are now spamming accordingly. Recently this message has been showing up all over the Internet, on just about any page that matches the "Illuminati" keyword, including some of my posts here on Augoeides.

Join illuminati - Freemason online today, to meet your demand and acquire wealth, power, protection, influence and a better paying job etc. Also get instant sum of $500,000.00 dollars with a free home anywhere you choose to live in the world $2,500.00 dollars monthly as a salary and other benefit attached. if you are interested contact us now via email: [redacted]@gmail.com or call +234[redacted] for assistance.

The redactions are mine. I'm not going to give these folks extra publicity by including their contact information on the front page of my blog. If you're really interested it's not hard to find by clicking on the following links, but let me stress that I highly recommend you avoid calling or e-mailing them. I did leave the +234 country code from the phone number to identify the country of origin as Nigeria, home of the notorious advance fee scam.

Fake Illuminati, How Do They Work?

The war against the Illuminati has officially begun. That is, the fake war against the fake Illuminati, which is oddly appropriate. Followers of musicians Insane Clown Posse who call themselves Juggalos have valiantly set up a Facebook page in opposition to the "Illuminati leadership" that is destroying America. Or something like that. So the perennial crazy people railing against the Illuminati have now been joined by the followers of insane clowns - at least on Facebook. You can't make this stuff up, folks!

On paper, the Illuminati and the Juggalos have a lot in common. Both are tightly knit societies whose customs strike outsiders as creepy and cultish, and under no circumstances should either be trifled with. But there’s only room for one new world order, and fans of the Insane Clown Posse have banded together to combat what they see as the influence of shadowy conspirators who occupy various seats of political power—mainly with crummy image macros.

The Facebook page for Juggalos Against Illuminati Leadership, or J.A.I.L., has drawn more than 600 followers, all “standing up to protect the rights of the people and raise awareness of the corruption within our government!!!!” It’s meant to be a hub where people can plan protests and “family events” as well as just “raise awareness.” To that end, they share pictorial grievances against gun control advocates, Barack Obama, police, war in the Middle East, the 1 Percent, the Federal Reserve, the Affordable Care Act, “sheeple,” marijuana laws, and even Disney.

Fake Illuminati Sacrifice

Up to now my coverage of the fake Illuminati has focused on the silliness of the beliefs surrounding this long-extinct organization. Back in December, though, the convergence of a particularly stupid individual and these ridiculous beliefs nearly turned deadly. Aspiring rap performer Wafeeq Sabir El-Amin somehow got it into his head that in order to become a star he had to join the Illuminati. He also somehow came up with the notion that in order to do this he had to perform a human sacrifice. So, naturally, he decided that the most logical thing to do was to shoot one of his friends. El-Amin, though, proved to be just as terrible a shot as he was a judge of the procedures of secret societies. El-Amin's "sacrifice" was hit in the hand, after which he managed to take away the gun and shoot the would-be Illuminati in the stomach before making his escape.

Both men survived, and El-Amin is now going on trial in Virginia for "malicious wounding" and, unsurprisingly, related drug charges. At the initial hearing in March, El-Amin was denied bail after Deputy Commonwealth Attorney Thomas Johnson successfully argued that the would-be rap star was a danger to the public. The trial is scheduled to begin in June.

Johnson said in court Thursday that the trial will delve into the hip-hop music culture and the notion that a secret society called the Illuminati has control over the success of some performers.

It was the belief that a sacrifice had to occur in order to join the Illuminati that allegedly incited El-Amin, Johnson said. Investigators recovered more than a pound of marijuana from the Athens Avenue home, according to the search warrant, as well as literature dealing with the Illuminati and its alleged connection to the music industry.

Fake Illuminati Meets Real Super Bowl

Following Sunday's Super Bowl the conspiracy theorists were out in force, claiming that during her halftime performance Beyonce Knowles made the "Illuminati sign" which is apparently given by forming a vaguely triangular diamond shape with the thumbs and forefingers. I suppose this is supposed to resemble the eye in the triangle logo associated with the shadowy cabal, though it really kind of doesn't. Naturally, this is a gesture that in all my years of studying esotericism I have never once seen linked to the Illuminati, even in fiction. I say naturally because really, like the supposed modern Illuminati themselves, this is a complete pile of nonsense. It doesn't matter that this "sign" previously had nothing to do with the Illuminati myth; it's a gesture that a celebrity made, so of course it must be suspect. One wonders how frantic true believers in the Illuminati conspiracy must be just going about their daily lives, given that celebrities make gestures all the time - you know, just like everybody else.

During Beyonce’s performance, she unmistakably made the triangular sign of the Illuminati which set conspiracy theorists’ tongues wagging and their online keyboard fingers keying. There are those who believe the sign was flashed on purpose by the famed singer while believing that she knows all about the suggestion of the sign.Then again, there are others who simply think Beyonce was sending a secret message to her entrepreneur-entertainer husband Jay-Z who uses a somewhat triangular-shaped diamond as his logo for his Roc-A-Fella Records endeavor.

Fake Illuminati Exposed!

Salon has an article up today about "Illuminati symbolism" in popular music, and how essentially it's just a big publicity stunt on the part of stars who exploit conspiracy theorists to generate more press for their songs and albums. From a cynical standpoint this makes a lot of sense - the "Illuminati symbols" that show up in music videos are so well-known at this point that they've gone from esoteric to obvious, but they nonetheless generate breathless condemnation by crackpots obsessed with the group's supposed ongoing plan for world domination. But here's a clue - if you're really part of a secret conspiracy, I imagine that the worst thing you could possibly do is broadcast to the entire Internet a video that pretty much announces, "Hey everybody, check out my secret conspiracy!"

The fear of the entity known as the Illuminati is neither unique — Bey and Jay join Lady Gaga, Rihanna, Ke$ha, Kanye West, and practically every prominent banker and politician on Earth is under conspiracy theorists’ microscope — nor novel. The original Bavarian Illuminati, a short-lived Enlightenment group devoted to overthrowing the local government, would likely have been forgotten, said “Occult America” author Mitch Horowitz, had Scottish physicist John Robison not speciously alleged in 1797 that the group had infiltrated the Freemasons and instigated the French Revolution.

“The Illuminati can be understood as the most radical edge of the marriage of avant-garde religious views and political views that sometimes found expression within Freemasonry,” said Horowitz. The movement, as redefined ex post facto to include practically every threatening and new development in American life, went on to resurface in rumors from the anti-Masonry fervor of the 1830s to the election of a Catholic president in 1960 to (did you need to ask?) the Obama presidency. Though the political goals of the Illuminati in Bavaria were locally minded, the avant-garde aspect lives on. Horowitz listed certain motifs: “skulls, serpents, eyes and pyramids, pentagrams. These were from a religious culture that had vanished after the Dark Ages; they’re alluring, dangerous, sinister.”

Vigilance Is Just Another Word for Paranoia

I used to joke that if I ever became so super-rich that I had no idea what to spend my money on, I would devote my resources to making the world more fun. I would pay people to put on costumes and go fight crime because a world filled with superheroes is more interesting than one without them. I would put enormous advertising budgets behind concepts so dubious that all they provoke from reasonable folks is nervous laughter, and then see if the mass media picks them up and treats them as legitimate. I would run bizarre political ads of the sort that Stephen Colbert's Super PAC ran during the Republican primaries. And maybe, just maybe, I would erect a giant monument on a Georgia hilltop with my own version of the Ten Commandments rendered in eight different languages - because what sort of weirdo would ever think of doing that? Oh, wait...

Made of Pyramid blue granite, the Georgia Guidestones are meant to withstand the test of time and to communicate knowledge on several levels: philosophically, politically, astronomically, etc. It consists of four major stone blocks, which contain ten guides for living in eight languages: English, Spanish, Swahili, Hindi, Hebrew, Arabic, Chinese, and Russian. A shorter message is inscribed at the top of the structure in four ancient languages’ scripts: Babylonian, Classical Greek, Sanskrit, and Egyptian hieroglyphs. It is important to note that those last four ancient languages are of a great importance in the teachings of occult mystery schools, such as the Freemasons and the Rosicrucians, organizations I will discuss later.

The Real Illuminati Exposed!

I've decided to try running a new feature here on Augoeides - "Magick Mondays." While I comment on a lot of weird news articles, I'm hoping to get back to writing more original pieces on various topics related to occultism in theory, practice, and history. Last Monday I posted an article on Qabalistic Ritual Construction, and this week I'm writing about the reality behind the dreaded Illuminati Order of Christian conspiracy theorists.

The mysterious secret society known as the Illuminati haunts the dreams of many a fundamentalist fanatic. According to Christian conspiracy theorists, the Illuminati are behind virtually every powerful group and celebrity in all of Western civilization and are busy at work promulgating the agenda of Satan against the true children of God - that is, the aforementioned Christian conspiracy theorists. The Illuminati are obviously involved in anything related to occultism, and my guess is there are readers of this blog out there who consider me one of their agents.

A while back I addressed this in a tongue-in-cheek manner, demanding my millions of dollars from the Illuminati for whom I supposedly work. I figured if I was doing the job, I should get paid for it. And, if the conspiracy theorists are right, the Illuminati are incredibly rich and powerful. They certainly should be able to afford to subsidize my writing and blogging - you know, like the aristocratic patrons of old. That post led to this clever practical joke that I'm fairly certain was pulled by one or more of the members of my magical working group - though none of them have ever fessed up, which I will say is a testament to their power to keep silence.

That Question is Too Stupid to Answer

But I suppose I'll try anyway. Today's gem comes from Yahoo Answers, which is usually a relatively decent place to find advice on various practical matters. But every so often something like this conspiracy-laden rant slips in, which has so many things wrong with it that it's hard to know where to begin. Of course, said question involves the notorious and dreaded Illuminati. Did you even have to ask?

How many people have experienced the Illuminates witchcraft / demonology? Have you been approached by members of a secret society who worship Satan and or one of the many other demons of the New World Order? Did this Satanic Mafia try to seduce and or force you through methods of torture with witchcraft / demonology to worship their Lord lucifer and or one of their many other demons? Did they use witchcraft to try and force you to worship the Devil along with subversive acts of terrorism? Did this satanic cult use magic to summon the dead to attack you while you slept?

Well, let's see. I'm a Freemason and a member of Ordo Templi Orientis, both of which I'm sure count to this individual's twisted mind. But I wasn't "seduced" or "tortured" into joining. I know this guy will never believe it, but we don't do that. I've also never been magically attacked, at least not that I've noticed, and never worshipped a devil or demon. I'm a Thelemite - I believe in the existence of both angels and demons but I don't precisely worship anything, at least not in the way that the term "worship" is usually meant in mainstream religions.

Celebrities Prove Illuminati Are Real

Remember my exchange with the Illuminati? I have yet to get any of my friends to admit to writing the mysterious letter that showed up on my front door after that post, but let's just say I have strong suspicions and we'll leave it at that. The whole concept of a real Illuminati as envisioned by conspiracy theorists is fundamentally ridiculous, and even sillier is the notion that various celebrities are secretly doing their bidding by embedding subliminal messages in their music. Back when theories about secret messages in music were first making the rounds, psychologists tested whether it was feasible to transmit information that way and concluded it doesn't work at all. You would think that if the Illuminati were so wise and powerful they would choose a functional method of brainwashing. At any rate, last week Slate put up an article about these pop-music conspiracy theories which makes for some entertaining reading.

Welcome to the world of pop-music trutherism, a bustling, grassroots exposé industry in which Eminem is one of many performers called out by anonymous instigators for Illuminist sympathies. The best conspiracy theories go all the way to the top, and this one goes all the way to the top of the charts. Jay-Z? An “Illuminati puppet.” Lady Gaga? An “Illuminati whore.” Kanye West, Lil Wayne, Beyoncé, Rihanna—Illuminati agents all. (Michael Jackson and 2Pac, it turns out, were victims of Illuminati-ordered assassination.) The Illuminati investigation unfolds sloppily but vigorously across countless sites, from YouTube to Twitter to fan discussion boards to dedicated shops like VigilantCitizen.com. The trained eye can spot Illuminati sartorial choices, like goat-themed jewelry and T-shirts, worn in ostensible tribute to Baphomet, a horned pagan deity who intrigued Aleister Crowley. There is Illuminati semaphore, such as framing one’s eye with the palms tipped together in a pyramid shape or otherwise isolating an eye to evoke the “all-seeing eye” on the back of a dollar bill, an image with Masonic origins. There are Illuminati lyrics, like Eminem’s mention of a “New World Order” on “Lose Yourself” or the references he and Jay-Z have made, separately, to a mysterious, powerful figure they call the “Rain Man” (the theorists are apparently unfamiliar with Dustin Hoffman’s IMDb page).

Don't get me wrong, I know there's a real global elite controlling much of the world's economy - Forbes Magazine publishes a list of the top 400 American members every year. It's also conceivable that a significant percentage of them have used magick to help build up their wealth, since becoming that rich without inheriting it requires incredible luck and that's one of the things magick is especially good at. But why would they bother with something as pointless as engineering pop-music messages when they can spend their money lobbying against financial regulation and get a lot more bang for their buck? I highly doubt that they care much about the content of popular music as long as it sells, and the idea of a unified conspiracy is belied by the fact that many of the super-rich can't stand each other and often work at cross purposes.