Monday, January 7, 2008

The Saddest Harry Potter Ever

Back when the Order of the Phoenix film and Deathly Hallows novel came out I wrote that I was tired of Harry Potter entries and wasn't going to write any more of them. I never really got into the books but have enjoyed the films, and there certainly is something to be said for a popular phenomenon that introduces young people to some of the ideas behind ritual magick, even if what is portrayed in the story is often nothing like the real thing.

I guess I was wrong in suggesting that I would write no more about Harry Potter, because this may be old news, but it's the funniest thing ever. Not content with shipping lead painted trains and beads covered in psychoactive chemicals, Chinese entrepreneurs tried to push their own fake Harry Potter novel back in 2002. They didn't do anything logical, either, like scour the Internet for fan fiction and then assemble it into a book. No, they took the entire verbatim text of J.R.R. Tolkien's The Hobbit and changed many of the names to match those of Harry Potter characters.

The "authors" added a new first chapter in which Harry is conveniently transformed into a Hobbit and a conclusion in which he is transformed back at the end of the book. I'm now imagining all sorts of stupid things I could do using this method. How does this sound?

Harry Potter and the Sandworms. Young Harry, Ron, and Hermione are magically transported to the planet Arrakis, the only place in the universe where a rare spice that heightens magical abilities can be found. Lord Voldemort seeks to kill Harry and take control of the spice that will allow him to fully regenerate his body. He launches an attack upon Arrakis in order to destroy the boy wizard, but in the ensuing confusion Harry escapes into the desert along with Ron and Hermione. There they meet the native people of Arrakis who consider them prophets because of their magical abilities and lead a rebellion to take back the planet from Voldemort's henchmen. After achieving their great victory they return to Diagon Alley by flue powder.

Clearly I'll be a bestselling author in no time!
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