Thursday, February 5, 2009

Jonathon the Impaler Arrested

Remember Jonathon the Impaler? Maybe you don't, but years ago when my blog was still running on a dedicated Scoop server I covered his 2004 independent run for the Presidency and his 2006 run for Governor here in Minnesota. He also ran for President in 2008. A documentary film entitled Impaler was made about his political activities and released in October of last year.

Practically the definition of a longshot political candidate, Jonathon Sharkey is the head of the Vampires, Witches, and Pagans Party founded in 2005 and recognized by the United States Federal Election Commission. He is also a self-proclaimed Satanist, a "sanguinarian vampire" who actually drinks human blood, and an advocate for impaling terrorists and other violent criminals. Generally speaking, none of those are big vote-getters. On the other hand, if he were ever nominated for a cabinet position there would be a lot more to talk about besides unpaid taxes.

Well, Jonathon is back in the news, but not under pleasant or amusing circumstances. He was recently arrested and charged with harrassing a teenage girl with whom he had an online relationship.

The criminal complaint says he was running for president in 2007 when the 16-year-old Rochester girl wrote a message of support on his MySpace page. She told police they began dating online, and the threats began when she tried to break off the relationship.

She told police that "in a desperate attempt" to get him to leave her alone, she had e-mailed him that she was a member of an elite vampire hunter society and that continuing their relationship would put him in danger. Her father told police he talked to Sharkey, but Sharkey continued to call the girl and write letters to her parents.

Because anybody would be willing to believe that elite vampire hunting societies recruit high school girls, right? Oh wait, that's Buffy the Vampire Slayer, not real life. Nonetheless, even in real life I'm guessing that satanic vampires don't make the best boyfriend material and it's too bad that this girl had to find out the hard way.

For his side of the story, Sharkey claims that the charges are unjustified and has threatened to sue the county attorney's office for "wrongful and vindictive prosecution." That's not impossible, seeing as I think it's safe to say that satanic vampires face a lot more prejudice than regular folks. I'll be following the case and hopefully the courts can make some sense of it.

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Rob said...

I remember the guy. IMO his presidential bid wasn't hurt so much by his Satanic beliefs or claims of being a vampire, but rather by the fact that the man has an IQ slightly beneath that of a mentally retarded monkey. I read his stuff. He's a dumb ass. I know a lot of politicians aren't known for their intelligence, but Jonathon made the group of ex-wrestlers and actors and lawyers that weren't good enough to practice law look like the greatest scientific and philosophic minds of our time. Seriously.

I've also heard from people who've dealt with him that the guy is a douche.

From what I've heard of the guy, I'm pretty certain he did something inappropriate to this girl. I really don't see the point in discussing it though and giving this guy more press than he deserves. The general idiocy he practices and calls spirituality is nothing close to what I practice or associate with, and in my opinion the sooner these freakshows fade back into obscurity the better off all of us in the community will be.

Scott Stenwick said...

the man has an IQ slightly beneath that of a mentally retarded monkey. I read his stuff. He's a dumb ass.

I will say that I found his first Presidential website hilarious, though I'm guessing that wasn't his intent. When the homepage opened it started playing the theme from "Highlander" with a big picture entitled "Behold your next President" or something like that. Each of the other pages on the site had its own theme song, and I wondered if he might be the first political candidate in history to employ the services of a "boombox monkey" who could carry his theme songs into battle. Something like this:

Other Candidate: Who are those guys over there with the boombox?
Jonathon: They're my theme music!
Other Candidate: Well, get rid of them. We're having a debate.
Jonathon: But... but... I never do anything without my theme music!

Also, Jonathon mentioned on his website that he was a friend of Jeb Bush. I propose that if Jeb ever runs for President we never let him or anyone else in the media forget about this supposed friendship with a Satanic vampire.

Jonathon Sharkey : The Vamp Behind The Politics said...

Apparently, there is a docu-comedy coming out about this bloodsucker.

It's called Impaled: Painfully Blunt!

A befitting ring, wouldn't ya say?

If it's as good as the news I'm reading, it's gonna be GOLD!