Wednesday, February 18, 2009

The Illuminati Respond!

It has now been 33 days since I posted my financial demands to the Illuminati Order. I expected no response, but as I walked out the door this morning I came upon a parchment envelope bearing only my name in italic calligraphy. I opened the envelope and found the following brief letter inside. What I read was profoundly surprising, and now I'm left to wonder if the statements made in the letter are accurate or part of an even more elaborate conspiracy designed to allow them to weasel out of paying me what they rightfully owe. You be the judge.

Dear Mr. Stenwick,

It has come to our attention that you have posted a public demand for payment in exchange for services rendered to our organization over the course of the last twenty years. While we applaud your diligent efforts in support of our objectives, we are unable fulfill your request at this time. Our order has been in serious financial straits for some time and in the wake of the current economic crisis it is unclear whether or not we will survive for more than a few more years as a coherent organization.

In the middle 1990's we invested much of our working capital in WorldCom and Enron in efforts to exert total control over the energy and communications infrastructure of the United States. Such control would have provided a solid framework upon which to unveil the Son of Lucifer at the great turning of the Mayan calendar set to occur a few years from now in 2012. Unfortunately, the ensuing scandals that forced both companies into bankruptcy also depleted most of our speculative capital by the end of 2002.

Much of the rest of our portfolio was invested with Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC, and as of December 2008 we learned that our investments in Madoff's fund were worthless due to the largest investor fraud ever perpetrated by a single individual in the history of the United States. Madoff is now under magical attack by our operatives but so far his defenses appear to be holding. Whether this is because of his own natural magical ability or due to him hiring an outside contractor to cast counter-curses remains to be determined.

We have received a small amount of money over the last few years from the Enron Creditors Recovery Corporation but all of this has been consumed by day to day expenses. Our holdings now include little more than a few shell companies, the trailer park where we have the Son of Lucifer holed up, and four lodge buildings located in undisclosed locations around the country. Indeed, the conspiracy may be on its last legs, ending a tradition that has endured since our founding in 1776 by our eminent Grand Master Adam Weishaupt.

Our last chance is the unveiling of the Son of Lucifer set for 2012, and as you can understand we need all of the resources we can muster over the next few years in order to mount an effective advertising campaign. He is indeed a powerful magical being, but he unfortunately has been forced to work as a plumber to make ends meet since the collapse of Enron and our subsequent loss of income. We fear that few in the United States will accept anyone who will at that point in time have spent the last ten years of his life installing faucets and fixing toilets as their supreme leader.

Understand that although we have no money to give you and no employment to offer you, your efforts will not go unrewarded should we manage to successfully sweep into power. Until then, keep up the good work and know that it is appreciated.


[Name Redacted]
Primus Illuminatus and Most Eminent Grand Master
Ancient and Illuminated Seers of Bavaria

So I suppose an appointment to the trailer park plumber-in-chief's cabinet, should he ever manage to take power despite what sound like insurmountable odds, is supposed to make me feel better? That's like giving out a tiny brass plaque instead of a raise to an employee who works sixty hour weeks for six months to get a project off the ground! Sorry Illuminati Overlords, I don't play that game and you're still On Notice!

Oh, I'll keep on writing and blogging about magick because I love doing it - but not for you!

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Theo Huffman said...

I'm so crushed! Having read your bold demands of our wicked overlords (myself being a "card-carrying Rosicrucian"), I was emboldened to also claim my share of the booty for all of the work I have done over the years promoting their unscrupulous ends (deviously disguised as spreading light, life and love and working for the evolution of mankind, muwhahaha!).

I was already counting how much they owe me and combing through Sharper Image catalogues and websites of expensive luxury gadgets and doodads, when...

...I read the response you got. Man, this really is a bad recession, isn't it?

Ananael Qaa said...

Man, this really is a bad recession, isn't it?

It just goes to show that nobody is immune this time around. Either that, or it's all a lie and they're just trying to get out of paying me what they owe.

nik said...

This cannot be serious. Are you making this up for personal enjoyment, if not this is really fascinating. I've been thinking about doing the type of thing you did, i.e demanding for compensation to the "powers the be".

Ananael Qaa said...

This cannot be serious.

I totally agree. Just read the thing - it's completely ridiculous. If I ever find out that there's seriously an "Illuminati" group that fits this description I'll be shocked.

According to every bit of research I've been able to come up with the real Illuminati order was disbanded by the nineteenth century. We owe all of the modern ideas about their supposed sinister plans to Robert Anton Wilson and fundamentalist Christian alarmists looking for publicity.

Scott Stenwick said...

I see that the spammers have found this post. At first I thought it was maybe whoever left me the letter messing around, but nobody I know would keep reposting like this.

It should probably be clear that any actual Illuminati order would not be spamming blogs looking for members, and the phone number and so forth is probably some sort of identity theft or advance fee scam. Approach at your own risk.

Part of the giveaway is that $2500/month isn't actually a lot of much money in the US - it's 30k/year, significantly below the median income of 38k/year. So I imagine this posting comes from somewhere in the world where that amount of money would be a huge windfall.

And, no surprise, the phone number is in Nigeria (+234), the country where the advance fee scam was pretty much perfected.

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Scott Stenwick said...

Boy, this guy sure doesn't read the rest of the blog. If you're finding yourself tempted to contact him, read this article first. The whole thing is a scam.

Scott Stenwick said...

Boy, for a group that members aren't supposed to talk about, you all sure spam my blog a lot... ;)

Yeah, I could just delete it, but I find the whole thing strangely amusing.

Scott Stenwick said...

With the supposed millions that you all claim to have I should probably be charging you for leaving your ads up. After all, you can afford it, right? ;-)

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Scott Stenwick said...

Now I'm really starting to wonder if this Illuminati thing is an MLM scam. I'm seeing so many different addresses and phone numbers that it kind of undermines that whole "secret society" thing.

Fair warning: I'm now seeing so many of these that I'm considering going in and deleting them on sight. They're obviously fake, and I'm getting to the point where I no longer feel like providing a free platform for advertising them.