Friday, December 4, 2009

Tiger Woods Cult Disbands

In another installment from the "I really hope this is a joke because if it isn't these people are unbelievably stupid" file that began with my piece on "Cullenism," the "First Church of Tiger Woods" has disbanded. No, seriously - up until a few days ago there really was a "First Church of Tiger Woods," at least on the web.

I suppose I can see a few golf fans getting together and deciding that it would be funny to put up a web site dedicated to their favorite player and call it a "Church" in a tongue-in-cheek sort of tone, but recent events have made me wonder if the individual who put the site up might actually be serious. Could anybody out there possibly be dumb enough to worship a guy who hits a ball with a stick, even a guy who does it really well?

John Ziegler, the pastor of the "First Church of Tiger Woods" -- -- has announced in a statement on the blog that the organization is being dissolved because of the golfer's "personal sins."

The church, whose home page has now been rechristened "The Damnation of Tiger Woods,"was launched by radio host Ziegler in 1996 to "celebrate the emergence of the 'true messiah.'"

However the lurid revelations that have swirled around Woods since last week have left Ziegler so disenchanted that he is now ending his church, which has its own "Prayer for Tiger" and "Ten Tiger Commandments."

"After several days of evaluation, I have decided to disband the First Church of Tiger Woods," Ziegler wrote.

"Tiger is clearly no longer deserving of being seen as a role model or a hero and he has needlessly squandered his unique potential to be a positive force in our country and the world.

And let me add that the only thing this "messiah" ever saved was the sport of golf, which was starting to slip into relative obscurity in the 1990s. As I personally can't stand golf, I have a hard time seeing that as anything noble or worthwhile.

From a practical magical perspective this gives us a perfect situation for empirical research. If these people have really been praying for Tiger Woods all this time, could those prayers have been improving his golf game to paranormal levels? A public announcement like this gives us a clean before and after delineation for our experimental and control samples and golfing statistics are meticulously kept. So we'll be able to see if Woods continues to play as well over the course of the next couple of years without magical support and back up whatever conclusion emerges with hard data.

As evidence of a possible paranormal influence, take a look at this paper by Jennifer Brown of UC Berkeley. Her data shows that other elite golfers play worse when playing in tournaments with Woods. While Brown puts forth a psychological explanation for the phenomenon, this is also exactly the sort of data you would expect to see surrounding a player who is receiving magical assistance. If somebody casts a spell on you with the intent of enabling you to win some sort of game or contest, not only will you generally do better but your opponents will also do worse than usual.

Now what I'd like to see is an expose from inside the cult. Did they engage in bizarre golf-related practices? Cast circles with five-irons (cause five is the pentagram, of course)? Subject caddies to obscure initiation rituals? Bind servitors into golf balls to ensure better play? Or maybe they just sat around a candlelit room staring at a velvet painting of Woods chanting golfing terms assembled into mantras.

Somebody out there must have the story. If you do, feel free to post it here!

UPDATE: According to Slate, the number of paramours linked to Tiger Woods has now reached eleven. Add Tiger and his wife to that number and you get thirteen - a coven! I can't believe that nobody has pointed that out until now, but I suppose that makes it my scoop!

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Suecae Sounds said...

I was involved. It was horrible. The sickening things I saw.

I will not be able to sleep again...

Scott Stenwick said...

Tell us more! I want to be able to scoop TMZ on this!


Lavanah said...

What I don't understand is that if Tiger Woods is god, as the website name stated, then how could he sin? By definition, isn't what a gods actions godly? Perhaps his former followers are now damned for turning from their deity. But who could possibly judge?

Scott Stenwick said...

What I don't understand is that if Tiger Woods is god, as the website name stated, then how could he sin?

Well, presumably he couldn't if you're thinking about the whole thing coherently and logically. But keep in mind this website appears to be run by a guy who thinks worshiping a golfer is a good idea. He's obviously not the brightest bulb in the pack.

At the same time, though, we see the same confusions in mainstream religions as well. Saint Anselm once wrote that the reason God didn't just snap his fingers and redeem the world but instead had to go through the whole Christian rigmarole of becoming man and dying on the cross was that redeeming the world without doing so was not "seemly for God to do." "Seemly?" So Anselm apparently thought that God had peers, even though he was nonetheless the one and only God.

In both cases the error lies in coming up with some sort of dogma and then redefining the nature of God to fit it, rather than adapting your spiritual teachings to fit your experience of the divine.

Suecae Sounds said...

TG wil punish us all if we told about the inner practises, even though I managed to escape the slave pen, he still sway some power over my thought.