Magical Hooker Cakes

Fundamentalist Christians have been trying to come up with a "cure" for homosexuality for a long time. They're still at it, because sexual orientation doesn't respond well to the various psychoanalytic nonsense they keep trying to throw at it. But according a recent article from The Christian Post, Christian "thought leader" and pastor Dr. Lance Wallnau has a novel suggestion. According to Wallnau, what you have to do is get homosexuals to eat magical cakes anointed by former hookers.

During a Periscope session last weekend, a woman asked Wallnau to pray for her son to be delivered from homosexuality and he suggested that an "anointed cake" may work for her.

"I read a testimony today about the owner of a bar who was gay and this is crazy. Now I'm not saying this is gonna work for you, but some hookers — they were in this bar — got saved. And they got saved because one of the guys who used to hang out there got saved. And they baked a cake for the owner of the bar who was gay and very adamantly anti-Christian," he began.

"And they basically prayed over the cake. It was an anointed cake and they made the cake and gave it as a gift. And when he ate the cake — I know it's strange, this is the person's testimony, it's not mine — the power of God hit him while he was eating the cake," Wallnau explained.

"He (gay bartender) went back to the guy at the bar that had given it to him, that he knew had got religion. And he said 'what the heck. I had a weird experience eating your cake.' And he said 'well, that was the presence of God.' He ends up leading the guy to the Lord and baptizes him and when he gets baptized the guy gets delivered. And the spirit that was working him got broken off."

I'm in agreement with Wallnau over exactly one part of his account - it certainly is crazy. I guess the upshot of all this is that homosexuality is a choice, because it consists of choosing not to eat the magical hooker cakes. Good to know! Also, I should point out that the similarity of these special confections to the "winky dinky ho cakes" from the Robert Townsend film Hollywood Shuffle, shown above, is not lost on me. Nor should it be!

The reality is that if any part of this account is true (and it probably isn't), what these folks really did was cast a mind-control spell using a material basis. That's beginner-level occultism, but total anathema to the principles that Christian fundamentalists claim to uphold.