Monday, November 3, 2008

Fascist Candidate's Dark Magick

I have been deliberately avoiding blogging about the imminent US presidential election, but this is just too funny. Did you even know that the United States has a Fascist Party? I didn't. Their presidential candidate is a dark sorceror by the name of Jackson Grimes.

Grimes is a Sunshine State-born Vietnam War veteran with an artificial British accent who failed at acting, spent a year on the New York City streets and now aspires to the Oval Office under the auspices of the United Fascist Union.


He was offered the party leadership and has spent much of the past decade traveling and making speeches to raise money. His supporters can be unlikely – he’s spoken before the Flying Saucer Society and recently had engagements in Canada – but he sincerely believes in his efforts.

Maybe it's just me, but I've always found that a fake foreign accent totally screams "LOSER!" On the other hand, I have no problem with Grimes speaking to UFO enthusiasts. I mean, I'd do that. UFO hysteria is fun, whether or not it's factually true.

But wait a minute. I said sorceror, right? Where on earth would I get the idea that this guy is a powerful dark magician? Why, from his secretary and partner Heather Goldsmith!

Goldsmith connected with the party’s pagan affinity and gravitated toward Grimes. “The Pentagram flag by his desk by the bust of Saddam Hussein was also an occult symbol, so I thought this guy can teach me a lot about magick and witchcraft if I can get in with him,” Goldsmith wrote in an e-mail. “Learning he had no wife, a couple of days later I went back and asked him if he’d like one and moved in with him a couple days later.”

Clearly any practicing magician recognizes that combining the occult symbol most widely recognized by complete ignoramuses with the bust of a secular dictator who pulled a bunch of stupid crap and got the entire world pissed off at him is a sign of incredible unholy power. Oh, wait...

And isn't success supposed to be thy proof? Just saying. So far Grimes has lost three elections in a row by a lot, and yet he still clings to the idea that he could actually win.

“I’m in this to win,” the Florida native said with distinctly British enunciation. “If I didn’t think I could become the president of the United States by being a fascist, I wouldn’t be a fascist.”

But hey, at least Grimes' magical weirdness got him laid, even if it won't make him President.

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