Waffle House Teleportation

According to online memes, Denny's is Waffle House for people who don't know how to fight. Living in Minnesota where Waffle House does not exist, I have no personal experience suggesting this is necessarily true. However, I am assured by friends who grew up in the south that the statement is one hundred percent accurate. Apparently fights at Waffle House are common to the point where jokes about them have become cliche. And according to a top Fema official, fights aren't all that happen at Waffle House. Teleportation does too.

Gregg Phillips, who in December was appointed to lead Fema’s office of response and recovery, has spoken on “multiple podcasts” about being teleported against his will, CNN reported on Friday.

On a January 2025 podcast appearance, Phillips claimed that his car was “lifted up” while he was driving and transported 40 miles (65km) away into a ditch near a church. And in another instance on the same episode, Phillips said he was teleported 50 miles away to a Waffle House in Rome, Georgia, CNN detailed in a deep dive into Phillips’ past public statements.

“I was with my boys one time, and I was telling them I was gonna go to Waffle House and get Waffle House. And I ended up at a Waffle House – this was in Georgia, and I end up at a Waffle House like 50 miles away from where I was,” Phillips said on the podcast Onward, co-hosted by rightwing activist Catherine Engelbrecht.

Phillips added: “And they said, ‘where are you?’ and I said, ‘a Waffle House.’ And: ‘a Waffle House where?’ And I said: ‘Waffle House in Rome, Georgia.’ And they said: “‘That’s not possible, you just left here a moment ago.’ But it was possible. It was real.”

But Phillips did warn about the dangers of teleportation. “Teleporting is no fun,” he said “You know it’s happening, but you can’t do anything about it, and so you just go, you just go with the ride. And wow, what just an incredible adventure it all was.”

One of the rules I practice magick by is that if something can happen, it can be done with a spell. In particular, if a person can randomly be teleported to a Waffle House, it stands to reason that a "Teleport-me-to-Waffle-House" spell must be possible. I totally want to learn it. It's not as useful as it could be if I lived someplace other than the Upper Midwest, but I do visit places with Waffle Houses when I travel. The spell could save me half of the trip even if I need to get back home by mundane means.

General car teleportation is more useful, since driving anywhere involves a car or truck by definition. But if the landing is so imprecise that my vehicle could end up in a ditch, the effort would be wasted because there's no point in doing forty miles of a road trip in an instant if your transportation is disabled moments later. Maybe with a formal spell the control would be better, but that likely will require significant experimentation to get right.

Let me tell you, I don't believe in magical secrecy. So if I ever figure these spells out and get them to the point where I can teach them to others, all my readers will be the first to learn. If not, maybe Phillips is just out of his mind. And I say that as a guy who casts spells.